Treasure Island

Amber Carreon

(3/27/95 / c.c tx.)

It Hurts Me To Hurt You

I claim you are the one I love, because I’m immune to it. Although it sounds right when the words escape from my mouth, my heart feels nothing. No emotion, or tingling, or beautiful heart-aching for the pain of loving someone so much. It sounds right, but it doesn’t seem right. It’s different with you, but that’s not always a good thing. You are the only one whom I cant remember the details of your description. No matter how hard I try, I will not remember the face of you unless I first picture a taken image of you. Other than that step being taken first, I will not see you or at all be able to describe you. I cannot seize the characteristics for the life of me without that quick sample viewing. I did not get the chance to fall in love with you, for I rushed into saying the three important words as a quick response to you saying them. I was so overwhelmed and I didn’t think your words meant anything since I had heard them a numerous amount of times before this one. I spoke the false words, and eventually started believing them. Who may know, though? Maybe I did fall in love with you as the days went by…or maybe I was just convinced. Maybe I just believed what the mind and heart wanted to believe. The treacherous heart will surely deceive you, no matter the subject. It pains me to write this, just as much as it pains me to feel as if I’m trapped in a relationship with you only because I feel I cannot hurt anyone else, or I will completely break down. I will no longer go on destroying everything in my presence. If you are amidst me, I shall warn you: I may wound you, even if that was not my intention. Your happiness means so much to me; which is why I must do what I have to do. But not just your happiness matters My Love, it is also mine that counts. I tend to get in my awkward moods when I do not want anyone to care for me. It’s like an embarrassment, or an undeserved kindness when someone loves me, so I do not want you to. And I seem to try to do everything so you won’t, yet you still do. Why must you be so good to me, why can’t you just somehow hurt me like the others did, like the one before you? Why do you have to be special, and why can you be the only one I could ever think of trusting? It makes me so scared. It frightens me to know that I actually may end up in your arms for time indefinite. I’m only sure of two things: All the loving things we hear of God are true, and my family loves me. Nothing of you is what I’m sure of. If you knew this, you might emotionally die of heartache. But I love you, whether it be a friendly love, or a romantic love; and I do not desire to hurt the ones I care for, so this is why I’m pouring my heart out to you. Yes, I know, I refuse to let anyone familiar read this, especially you. But it is my way of telling you how I feel without having to breathe a word, and without you getting hurt. I recommend we keep our distance, for my heart’s safety and yours as well. I don’t know what I would do if I broke another’s heart for another time. I couldn’t even stand it the first time, nonetheless the others. Our distance apart from each other will prove whether these feelings between us are real, or if they are merely similar coincidental phony feelings of taking our wants into consideration instead of our needs. So be patient with me. Because you may have to wait a long time to be with me, or you may be waiting for nothing. Are you willing to give up your life, to by chance, have one with me? I pray that you aren’t.

Submitted: Monday, March 28, 2011

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