gordon nosworthy

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Zocko Chico

I remember zocko chico
but I don’t know why
I remember dusty little towns
in mexico
but I don’t know why
I remember children in cardboard houses
& I do know why
I remember laying down
but I don’t know why
getting up has become increasingly difficult
& I don’t know why

I remember train rides
through mountain passes layered in snow
I remember riding on camels
Eating rat that tastes like chicken
I remember knives and gangplanks to riches
I remember prayers and hope and faith
I remember when I longed for the invisible
& I don’t know why
I remember when I was thin
but I don’t remember when
I remember when glass
hung from storefronts
not from my eyes
I remember betty
I can’t remember why

I remember being young
it was a long time ago
I don’t remember getting old
it happened quite unexpectedly
I remember when I could run
I felt strong
I remember when I cared
but I don’t remember why

I remember when life
was a bull in my veins
I remember when autumn
made me happy rather than sneeze
I remember when I could eat
& never gain weight
I remember when I could party all night
& still remember my name in the morning
I remember the approaching train
With a strange fascination
But not what happened next
I remember when I could touch other people
without feeling violated
I remember I trusted
the altruism of ideas
I remember when I believed
all the wonderful ideas now dead
I remember trying to show the world
how good I was at living

I remember the day
when status was important
because it made me important
& being important meant something
I remember that no one ever explained
why being important was important
I remember never questioning why
gold and diamonds have great value
while human life has value on paper
but means little in refugee camps
market economics and killing fields

I remember when all this breathing
struggling surviving procreating existing
had some higher purpose
which could never be explained
but which were gospel in higher circles
away from the bones and abandoned children
away from the inequities of human self-importance
away from salving self-soothing stories of life hereafter

I remember when I compared life
to dancing and music and singing
I remember the moment I saw children
scrambling for leftover food
I remember when dancing became scrambling
singing became hunger cries
I remember the music remained
it was no longer joyous
I remember I remember I remember
because even if I wanted to
how could I forget

I remember when I believed
people were holy
I remember when I believed
thought could transform humanity
I remember the holy men
I wanted to follow
I remember following them to the edge
I remember being disappointed
because the holy men weren’t holy
they were simply men with dreams of grandeur

I remember when I believed humanity
held a special place in the universe
I remember the idea that all people were equal
I can’t recall why that idea never seemed real
I remember adolescence
it was all that long ago
I remember the day
when I could no longer remember
what it was like to remember innocence
to shut my eyes with hope

I remember when helping the poor
Was charity rather than penance
I remember when the good things in life
Somehow managed to counterbalance
The evil unfolding petal-like around me
I remember when individual grace
Seemed to hold the promise of redemption
I remember when sunrises and sunsets
Proved the existence of a higher power
Rather than just another swing
Of a planet around a molten furnace
Which we will simply never understand
Through anything other than pretence

I remember the smiles of my children
as they burped and passed gas
experienced santa or the easter bunny
made toys from scraps
held my hand as if I could protect them
or ran up and down the halls
shouting and screaming
as life poured from their pores
sang from their eyes
sprang from their hearts
& I remember how that memory
gives me the hope that my memory is defective
& the mirror I use to see
contains a flaw of utmost beauty

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