You know those moments when you wake up and you forget about everything that happened before you went into the unconscious. And for that one-second you’re so relieved that all your fears and pains are swept away, ‘it was just a dream’?
This was not one of those times. From the second I woke up this morning I knew it was never a dream, it was never going to go away, and I will never forgive myself for the pain I have caused quite possibly the three most important people in my life.
Pain and guilt ran through my veins, as I looked into the mirror at the bruises and bite marks on my body.
I looked down at my watch: 4: 16 P.M.1/1/2010. They say what you’re doing the night of the New Year will determine how you spend the rest of your year. As I thought that through, I closed my eyes and I had a short memory glimpse from the previous night:
‘Bent over, head down, a dirty old dollar bill rolled up and crammed in my nose, I snorted that white powder I like to call sunshine. Looking back now, it’s hard not to laugh thinking I was doing what could be considered the worst thing I had planned to do for the night.’
Maybe it was all the alcohol, or the obvious physical attraction we’ve always ignored, but for those moments his body and mine were intertwined seeming like nothing, in the world could be ‘wrong’ about this amazing moment between two friends.
Somewhere in-between heaven and hell; I thought to myself, ‘Has it ever been this good? ’
I suddenly opened my eyes, had that last thought been real? Was I really considering a one-night stand with my best friends boyfriend my best? I felt my body shudder. Impossible.
You’re supposed to want what you can’t have, until you get it. But the more I remind myself that last night was a drunken’ mistake, the more I find myself wanting more.