A Very British Christmas (Or An Anti-Christmas Advent Calendar) Poem by H E Alexander

There's twenty-four days until Christmas cheer;
For an unneeded excuse to drink more beer!

Now there are just twenty-three days to go,
Until we all suffer that 'Ho, ho, ho! '

December 3rd, lots and lots yet to buy,
Someone please tell me: why, oh why, oh why?

Counting down now, there's a mere twenty-one,
Whoop-de-do! isn't this just so much fun!

Twenty days, best to get all the cards writ,
Maybe use last year's, with paper and Pritt!

The 6th, now well into this silly season,
Sane people acting with no rhyme nor reason!

We're here already, December 7,
Kerching: the sound of retail heaven!

Just seventeen more sleeps that's all there is now,
Before the fun starts... with the family row!

Drawing closer now, there's no more than sixteen,
Till this jolly old time of spite and of spleen!

The 10th; hide the mistletoe and eggnog,
Lest 'er indoors wants her annual snog!

Two full weeks, best deck the house with some lights,
Then down the pub for some lager-fuelled fights!

Just thirteen days left; unlucky for some,
Holiday telly ads: here comes the sun!

No more than twelve days and starting to fret,
Hoping we don't give out more than we get!

Eleven days, time to put up the bunting,
And perhaps I'll start with some good-will hunting?

Fifteenth of the month: it's the Christmas curse,
Of empty wallet, bank account and purse!

Nine days yet, better extend the overdraft,
Best entice the bank with some guile and some craft?

Just eight days to go and this really ain't funny:
Some shops even promoting the Easter Bunny!

It's closing in now, there is but one week;
The credit crunch will inherit the meek!

Now there are just six days left in hand,
Still need to get the Christmas meal planned.

Twentieth: this Scrooge won't get caught napping:
Buying no gifts means doing no wrapping!

So, we have got to December twenty-first,
The balloons are shrinking and some have now burst!

The larder's full, it's December twenty-two;
The contents destined for the bin or the loo!

Two days to go, well, that's just a smidgen,
For Crimbo, at least, please, no Religion!

It's the twenty-fourth day, now, of December,
Just don't forget what you've got to remember!

Children's sweet laughter and parents' glug, glug,
At last, Christmas Day is here! Bah Humbug!