A Word From A Secretary Bird Poem by C Richard Miles

I'm really in a hurry;
I can't stay for stationery
and I'm worried that the slow worm will be late.
since he needs to deputise
while I go and check the size
of the pile of mail that's waiting by the gate.

I've mislaid the tapir's tape, or
maybe apes'll staple paper
that the lizard's missing scissors didn't cut.
I know where the rhino's hiding,
while the spider inside's deciding
where blue zoo glue for two new gnus should be put.

I hate to laminate for
skates or alligators;
to file for crocodiles I find quite vile.
I squirm confirming terms, see,
for pachyderm taxidermy
though dialling for live lions might make me smile.

I have stacks of fax for yaks;
from the mink comes income tax
and I've tried to telephone the elephants.
Though it might have been a trunk call,
I don't give a monkey's uncle
if the antelopes grant envelopes for ants.

It is just coincidental
that the hens sell stencil pencils,
as the spent pens penguins lend are running out,
while the hippopotami
bid for lots of blotters I
have co-opted for the otters, I've no doubt.

I've paid quids to squids for ink,
as the skunks kicked up a stink
about liking it to write in black and white
but the mantis says one's praying
that the jay can lay on crayons
as the aye-aye hasn't eyed them since last night,


while the clever zebra, Deborah,
mentions feathers never led her
to think quills the porcupines might do to scribe
but they're all we can afford as
I've ordered assorted borders
and the price is higher than a sky-high bribe.

The kangaroo's not hoppy
since he tried to photocopy
without asking and I told him he was rude.
The hare's breath is not too sweet and
was it something he has eaten?
Or was it the new zookeeper's 'at he chewed?

I've had with the rabbits;
they've got such disgusting habits
that I'm itching at their twitching all the time.
It hurt me when the turtle
underlined mistakes in purple
and my mind's made up that I will soon resign.

I cried when ring-tailed lemurs
tied ring-binders up with beavers
while the leopards peppered me with chilli seed.
I jotted down in shorthand
that the Manx cat's tail's too short and
all the mean hyenas teased me, yes indeed!

I'm really at a loss as
the cross-eyed ocelot says
I've not vetted all the letters for the vet.
Though the mamma manatee
made me mugs and mugs of tea,
I'm still upset at every pesky pet.

I've given up my whole lunch
as the mole has lost my hole punch
and I want to punch him on his hairless nose.
The black bear I cannot bear
makes me quite tear out my hair -
he ignores each claws the contract says he owes.

I just shun the honey-buzzard
who discovered in the cupboard
where the money was and went and filched the float
and the dark sarcastic sharks
are so petty with remarks
and the ruder barracuda's got my goat.

I'm off fish in this office -
the whole lot are so standoffish,
it's murder turning up, as you have herd.
If you ask me why I do it,
I'm surprised you never knew it -
it's because I'm just a Secretary Bird.