All Gone Now Poem by Marilyn Jean

How difficult is it
For you to see
That what was
For you once
Has now gone
Nobody took it
It got lost
Or maybe
It died slowly
A long illness
One too often
I denied
Finding excuses
Or thought was cured
But it was always here
Coming back
When it would hurt most
Or when I got stronger
Or weaker altogether
Control, control

I learned to pretend
I grew an armor
Put walls around us
I played happiness
I apologized
To protect them
When you were mean
When you ask for silence

I hide to cry
I avoided you
But never said no
When you asked
This, that, whatever
Anything really
Peace making
Such a hard work
Life I called it
I was afraid
Not always deeply
No
But constantly
Random intensity
Wanted normality
Managing crisis
Then prevent
Your silence
Your tempers
Your blames
The frowning
The sarcasms
The insults
The control
More demands
Often failing
So blaming myself
Exhaustion

Enough
Let me alone
I don't even
Want you near
Anymore, ever
But you still insist
Often I prefer
Not to hear
I know what you ask for
I know what you are going to say
I know you too well
I never liked much what you are
Mostly your thoughts
I dislike
But I believed you loved me
So, I compromised
And you said only you could
And maybe this was and still is true
But you did not truly loved me
And I could not even admit it

But
3 times I was free of you and breathed
And it was so good
You cannot even imagine
You said I am selfish
No I am not but I want to breath again
And I will