Anguish Crazy Poem by Mona Adviento

I
Look up
And see a vast nothingness that yawns before me.
I
See through
You
Are vivified in front of my eyes
By the moonlight.
And there is nothing else there but your face
In my mind,
Just your face.
Without a body
Without a spirit.
A vision of eternity that
Assumes nothing but a shapeless void.
And that is how I am inside.
I feel nothing for there is nothing there.
But me.
And my illusion.
And great expectations
Of a love that only I
I can feel.
A thousand and one resolutions
A million and one defenses that break down
At the slightest touch.
At the faintest glimpse.
Illusion
You are.
Nothing but.
Empty.
I feel so empty.
So crazy.
So ugly.
So not me.
Who am I now?
To you?
To me?
Not who I used to be.
Not perfect.
Not even human anymore.
And the fire dies
For there is nothing to feed it but smoke.
Smoke that clogs up
Every inch
Of me.
I pour out through my pores the frustrations
Of a strained effort
To revive.
To try and live up
To the many many, many illusions that I have
Created through the years, through the tears.
Game. I’m game. I am
Nothing but.
Pride. Misplaced pride that has me by the collar of my soiled shirt.
Covered with your sweat
In the heat of a moment.
Just a moment of
borrowed bliss.
wordly, unworthy.coming short of a once perfect life. Now, of lies.
Of nothing but lies.
And I lie awake at night. Memorizing the contours of your complicated façade.
Leaving me stumped by the bed.
Unknowing.
Blind to the greater needs of the world.
Aware of nothing but you. And what you are thinking. Veiled. Concealed. Elusive.
Forever a mystery a great puzzle that stupefies me. Feeling stupid.
Pathetic.
Torn. crushed. Dumb.numb.
the light again.
And darkness.
Enveloping me sweetly.
To the intoxication of sleep that serves me.
for a while
as I try to forget. The bliss. Your face. The light.
Lost in my illusions.
In my delusions. In my powdered dreams. You make me incomplete because you take part of me and leave nothing of you but your face.
Without a spirit because you are not mine.
I do not have you and shall never do.
Just too dumb to realize the awful reality that I am in for another
century’s crying fit.
Hate is too weak. Indifference does not work. I am defenseless. I am exposed. I am done.
I am not me anymore. what a riot. What a verse.
What a line
What a life.
What a lie.
A lifetime of imperfections and one moment. pathetic moment of happiness.
That falls short.
That is sooooo short.
Gone in an instant.
Goodbye.

May 2002