Are These Scars? Poem by Angela Bontle Ditumiso

They asked me what I had been wearing
They told me I roused his feelings by being woman
Told me, maybe if you were nicer
It wouldn't have hurt
They told me, shh, do you want to taint our family name
They taught me it's okay for woman
To be a crime scene
They taught me I deserved it

I have learnt
You're not a victim
Until the one who victimized you
Tells the world you are

You being raped is something
To be swept under the carpet
But it won't make the house dirty
Enough to clean

Dirty laundry in the washing line
Is when your mother removes
The stitches on her mouth
And admits to witnessing it all
Nobody wants that, especially her
Sometimes she staples her mouth
So that she wouldn't speak of the horror you survived
But only when it comes to the horror you survived

They call you wh*ore, b*tch, homewrecker
After he has raped you
He's innocent
It's your hands covered with blood
The blood from between your thighs
That makes you guilty,
Why are you bleeding
Why are you bleeding
Tell me, why are you bleeding
If at all you're not guilty

Surviving rape feels like suicide
With every moment a razorblade
Skates across your wrist
With every moment a rope hangs around your neck

I don't know if it's the thing between my legs that hurts still
Or if it is my soul

Bawling my eyes out
Doesn't lessen the fire feasting on me
Maybe my tears are gasoline

Makeup doesn't hide my pain
Or my scars
What to I have to do to feel
Brand new, like a virgin, like I'm pure
I'm impure

How come I'm the only one
Feeling like I'm constantly suffocating
Everyone around me is laughing
I want to remove the dagger in my chest
I'm hurting

They tell me I'm weak
That by now I should be over it

Tell me, are these scars
Or an illusion
At least he gave me food, bought me clothes to wear, right?