On a Sunday evening in September
I began to squeeze my girlfriend’s knockers,
until she told me rather coldly
she much preferred young spunky rockers.
And as she punched my nose she added:
in her opinion I resembled
a backyard bandicoot from Sydney
According to her I was a foolish
and rather doddering old whacker
whose amorous advances were
not worth a sesame seed cracker.
Now, this remark was rather ageist,
and to it I took great exception.
I said she’d been quite hurtful, too,
to bandicoots, in my perception.
But when I spoke politely of my view
she started an abominable tirade
and doused my venerable white locks
in sugary-pink raspberry lemonade.
I must admit I got quite mad at Gertrude -
you might say, even, I was bloody cranky.
I decided that I’d belt her one
after blowing my sore nose into my hanky.
She let out one almighty squawk
as I whacked her on her buxom hips,
even though I’d been careful to only use
a packet of chicken-flavoured chips.
The neighbours thumped upon the door:
“You pair of ornery galoots!
You make a ruckus which would wake the dead,
and we believe you’re in cahoots! ”
“Even if you’re living back of Woop Woop
you should not make such dreadful dramas
and knock each other’s noggins about
while sitting round in your pyjamas! ”
They hauled me off before a magistrate
and talked a lot of most godawful guff,
and when His Honour glared at me, I saw
that things were getting bloody tough!
In moments grim His Honour sentenced me
to twenty lashes on the backside,
not to mention twenty years
of a diet of titanium oxide.
And all this great faloodle just arose
from squeezing that silly sheila’s oversized boobs!
I think I shoulda bought a piece of string
and tied her interfering damn Fallopian tubes.
As you commiserate with me
please, won’t you try to understand
the troubles we men have to face
in this here so-called wide brown land?
Being an Aussie ain’t no easy thing
like some blokes seem to think
so I just had to unburden my soul to you
and set it down in ink.
This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.