Bewildered By Disaster On Christmas Day Poem by Charles Chaim Wax

“The first time you shoot Coke, ”
said Bessie Fountain
sitting on my bed
naked
on Christmas day
“you’re gonna experience
something
you’ll want
again and again
always trying
to recapture that feeling
and
the memory
will be with you forever
and the memory
hooks you. I’m strong
so I can deal with it.”
“You’re strong? ” I said.
“Strong
that’s right
you don’t know nothing
about being strong.
Coke wipes you out.
Everything disappears—
everything.”
“Even Christmas? ”
“EVERYTHING...for a while
and tonight I need
a Super Speedball dropping
through my veins.
See you get some good Coke
and some good Heroin
and mix it just right
and you got yourself
a Merry Christmas. The whole world
says it to you then.”
“But you said it works just for a while, ”
I whispered
placing my hand on her knee
gently
trying to soothe her.
“IT WORKS.
Don’t you never forget
the truth
of escaping misery.
That time is a good time
and just cause it don’t last
don’t mean that good time wasn’t there,
but you ain’t strong enough
to handle it
one taste of the feeling—
you’re finished
never recover
spend all your days
desperate
searching
for that sweet miracle.
Just drink your little Bacardi, Bernstein,
and leave what
you don’t know alone
cause that other stuff is for
some heavy sadness
for me
tonight
for real.”