Can'T Find Myself Poem by Tiffani Williams

I recall a person I once knew very well;

but i don't anymore
all those times she felt on top of the world
or maybe just on top of everything that mattered
someone who always believed
eventually there would be a happy ending
no matter the situation

someone who, no matter, how many times she fell down
picked herself up
murmured that it was just growing pains
and got up taller than before
and she wasn't worried about a fall from
new heights
she was fearless enough to try.

and really, she believed on deaths grips
would stop her happiness
because every storm passes
and no pain lasts

and then you came

and i swear you're no pain
you're total destruction
and you destroyed me.

i was so tall,
i fell deep,
so she ran away with you
and left me
to wallow in pity. self-pity
because she couldn't live her
and i can't find her
i'm not so fearless anymore.

but i'll continue to look for her
in all the places she never was
and never will be
like hoildays spent alone
because i can't bring myself to get out of bed
or pills that numb my heart
but nowhere in the dictionary
is happy defined as apathy

the relapsing memory
or who i once was
and can never be again

because i don't know how
and i'm scared to find out

only to end up here again.