Caress Poem by David Knox

I used to be careless
Then I longed for the sweet caress
The freedom, the release
The end of me
It was what I ate every morning
That thought... dying didn't matter, no mourning
What is there to mourn when there's no value?
And what can you value in brokenness
In deceit, in hatred, in lust, in loneliness
All I valued was the caress,
The lovely dark touch
The release, the purpose, the crux
I earnestly waited
I ardently longed
I deeply desired
But one day my whole life changed...
I saw value, I felt value, I saw love, I felt love, joy unfeigned
I cant quite describe it, certainly not it all
It was the day He stopped my fall
But I still longed for the caress
The end to the pain, the end of suffering
I had new reasons now I must confess
But the old remained too
I still earnestly sought to escape, but this time to You
I sough the seemingly easier way out.
Let me just say it outright
I've always juts wanted to die, desired death, eternal night
I sought death, sometimes it was all I thought about...

But today (3-23-12) I finally felt fear
Not only did I not desire death
But I was afraid of it I could not just let
My life go, and I knew You were near
So I didn't want to die, I felt fear
I wanted to give my friend a gift
With hopes to encourage and uplift
I wanted to free my friends from the lie
With truth, love, faith and hope
Not be remembered as 'there for them', just to help them cope
But to free them from bondage
From death so they might have life, no cage
No prison, no lies, no fear, no shame, no death
I want to see them live, I want to live with them
I don't just want to know when
I want to be there
I want to be there when it happens
So I cant die... I won't die, not yet
Not till they know life.

Sorry God if it
s a selfish request or thought
But I fell like this is kingdom You brought
So now I want to bring them in
Please help, I cannot do it alone, not in my sin
But with You I'll take them back
So for the first time in my life I
I don't want to die
Help me show them Your love, let it overwhelm

All of this from a bee
That landed on me
You could say I'm allergic, I could go in a coma or die
I wished that ti would just fly
Away... but in that moment I caught
Myself fearing death, desiring life, I haven't fought
The good fight, I'm fighting
I'm loving
I'm seeking
I'm praying
I'm finally...
Finally
Living