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Do I Deserve This?

I know I've done some really bad things.
Some really stupid, senseless and cruel things.
And I deserve to be punished.
But I'm so terribly, terribly sorry.
Truly sorry and I can't take anymore pain.

All I wanted was a peaceful life.
Someone who loves me
Someone to love.
A quiet, calm and happy life.
But I'd rather be alone than have
To cope with so much pain, humiliation.

How can I describe it? :
It starts with realization -
a hollow anxiety that sits heavily
in your gut then grows.
It sprouts tentacles that hook
into the air you inhale,
trapping it in your chest.
Your chest tightens, pressure increasing
till you can't breath;
can't speak;
and then your heart shatters
It feels like the shards are cutting you up.
You're sure you're bleeding from the chest.

You've moved from realization to confirmation.
And even with confirmation you're still
battling with disbelief.
Its hard to battle when you can't breath.
You're on your knees
Not sure if you're crippled by pain or humiliation
Or if you're in pain from humiliation.
In the distance there's anger
Just out of reach.
You still feel too wretched.
Paralyzed by a blur of questions
Struggling to understand.
But how can you understand
what makes no sense.
It makes no sense.
But still its true.
Oh how I wish anger
would come and numb
this tearing, searing, nauseating pain.
How I wish it wasn't true
I don't know what to do.
Israh Sadan
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
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