Excuses And Explanations Poem by Paige Allison

I've tried to explain,
Tried to conclude,
What goes through my head,
The secrets hidden in waves of blue.
If you looked hard enough,
Maybe you could see;
The person you know
Isn't really me.
I've tried to tell you,
But you refuse to hear.
I attempted to act like my lies were sincere.
You believed for a while,
Then I came clean.
You thought I was pure,
Until I confessed all the dirty.
My thoughts weren't normal,
Neither were my habits.
I realized the destruction I've done,
I realized the evil won.
It's all in my head,
Not in my heart.
After all,
Who would want to drown in a pool of uncertainty?
I try to be good,
Develop the healthy.
But the voices pull me back
Into a song of depression;
That I can't shake,
That I must feel.
Day after day,
I recall all the mistakes.
That doesn't stop me,
I'm afraid it never will.
How can you get out
When you feel like you belong here?
It's hard to start the unfamiliar process
Of re-construction.
You hate the voices
But at the same time you want them.
I want to prove that it's not me,
The girl who chooses this.
I want to prove that honestly,
I can't help it.
Please, Don't think that I'm the one doing wrong,
It's something inside me,
It has been all along.