Feeling Small, Broken Enigma Poem by Andrus Cassian

Let my ears deceive me but I hear it, can't bother to drown it out
the taunting laughter at my misery
Fictional should they be but the reality has cleared the camouflage
which hath once shrouded me
Exposed and broken, laid out in the open
go ahead and bring down the burning, stinging, killing axe blade
I don't care anymore...tell the whole world I just don't care anymore
Is this existence a game of cat and mouse, predator and prey?
Is this so called gift named life just a punchline to a cruel joke
ask the weighted voices who have fell by their own hands
Life tormented them into submission, resting in peace
I'm dearingly hoping they remain
I, myself, am bending and breaking at the seams that keep me attached but I ask
by the whim of whom?
of Eris? of Karma itself? of the Gods?
A play thing of a child I refuse to be, it's just not me
I'm not a small game piece, glue and tape cannot repair me
so take me off this colored board
this turn is over
A question, please, will you answer for me
Why bring me up so high if you're only entertainment
is to hear the screaming bouncing off the walls in my mind
is to hear lyrically dear agony sung by a desperate pessimist
is to watch my face contort with anguish
as I plunge fifty miles deep in darkness.....JUST END ME! ! !
Look at the letter on my chest, 'where is the S? '
there is none, I'm an ordinary man
I've only wished to be an invisible superman
Kryptonite, Ha! just a wound remaining open
so the jolt of pain, so the stinging tells me I'm alive
A mute button for words I shouldn't hear
invented but hardly used; my purposes were foolish
A night I'd rather forget and never dwell upon again
creeps with a sharp blade, cutting away at the hems of what's left
of my deteriorating sanity
My darkest fears have engulfed and shrouded me in a deadly haze
opened the lock that kept them at bay
but for hours, they just ate away
Do I need a rhyme or a reason to scream
I'LL NEVER SING IN JOYFULNESS AGAIN
my hand hasn't been forced to say, the darkness has swallowed me whole
I overexaggerated my meanings
death isn't something to play around with
but it was spreading the disease to the corners of my mind
I admit I'm angry, this is my life and
I'm not a pawn in a sick, twisted fantasy factory
Edgar Allan Poe doesn't write for me
He's only an inspiration
and I admit I feel so small
an ant amongst human beings so tall
why do I even care at all
My symptoms of suicide, at this moment, couldn't be any higher
my struggling anger has gotten beneath my skin again
my outlandish worrying, can't find a cage that would hold it all
my pitiful jealousy, drowning am I in it tonight
Full circle, they all surround me ready to strike
trying to be my own superhero, I've committed that crime
because I trust no one to save my own life
Another thought is turning, my mind is contemplating
is this torment a repayment for last week
or a monthly requirement to send a message to me
Life is becoming too hard but I'm still living it
I admit I don't want to be alive, I've been caught suffocating
but it's in my priorities now to cross that out of my plans
Refrain from speeding up this process further
sink these fragile bones into something metallic
just in case reckless actions bombard my way
and I can't seal myself in my cave
Have I died inside my mind or am I just dreaming it again
by arrow which wishes to seize, are you just a myth
I see myself in the mirror and it's the me I've seen so long ago
a lover, a fighter, a warrior, brave, courageous, confident
yet he shakes his head in disgust when he sees I'm the unfortunate son
I just don't feel welcome, I already know I don't belong
my belief intertwines with the simple notion I'm on the deep end
Amelia, her name sounds familiar
Amelia, have I met her
Amelia, was she beautiful or was her eyes consumed with fear, was she scared
Amelia...Amelia...please...hold...tight...hold...on
or plainly erase me, scribble out my name if existence is a fairytale
I'm meant to breathe oxygen for a reason I know
but my reality matches not with the fantasy I dwell in
I only ask of you to leave me be so I can comprehend this mystery
This broken enigma I call myself and my endeavors
I'm struggling to keep my grip on this together
I have something strong, nothing short of meaningful
I'm just feeling small since this rips the strength out of me
I try to make it a pretense that I feel nothing at all
but again, again I'm indifferent
and yet Amelia has crossed my mind one more time
Amelia, her name sounds so familiar
Amelia, have I met her
Amelia, was she beautiful or was her eyes consumed with fear, was she scared
Amelia...Amelia...please...hold...tight....hold...on
is she the air I breathe, the dark clouds when it rains
what is she to me...Amelia...Amelia
please.....hold....tight...hold...on
Amelia...was she beautiful...was she beautiful...Amelia
...Amelia