First Cuts Poem by Newo Enec

I ran into the room, feeling the pressure,
My heartbeat resonating throughout my entire body
Blood pulsing beneath every inch of my skin
Like the monster forming inside me
The monster of anger and desperation
Directing my life, distorting my decisions
I heard it laugh at me, how piteous my tears
Weak, never worth the effort at all.
So then I knew
It had to be out, released to wreak havoc
On the outside instead of locked within
All that was on my mind was
Out, out, out, getitout, cantkeepthishideousnessinsidemeanymore
Wontletthisdestroymefromtheinsideout, takeitoutofme, letitgo, get
Itout, outside, itcantcausemetheseproblemsanymorethere, getitout

I looked up into the mirror, then down to my hands,
Fingertips smeared red
I never thought fingernails could cut that deep
I bled and bled, more than I had imagined would happened
My neck and shoulders and chest
Ruined by these red stripes, streaks of blood
And I stopped, felt a slight burn, a steady emptying
So I wondered
How can I drain faster?

I moved like a zombie, half unaware of my actions
Yet nearly aware of the promise I had made to myself
But everything sort of calmed, slowed
As blood greeted the surface in razor blade trails
And wouldn't let go
And kept coming
Even after I didn't want it anymore
Even after I didn't need it anymore
All I could do was watch
As I wiped my life from my skin
And wished the seeping would finally slow, finally stop
It did, and I'm glad for it
Though I keep glancing at the scabs
In panic with the thought I might lose it again
Afraid I will break again
I don't want to break a promise again
My first cuts must be enough
But I fear they won't be
I can't keep myself from opening these wounds