Fish In The Water Poem by Jade Leven

I didn't understand
what was happening to you
I was young
but I should have been afraid

I was indifferent

did I even know the word...
hospital

the white walls
the long hallways
the cold rooms
that is what I remember

but I don't remember you being scared
I just remember walking down to the fish pond
and we would just sit and talk

I'm sorry that I didn't know
that you could die the next day
I'm sorry that I didn't know
to talk about more important things
all I could do at that point in time
was talk about the fish in the water

I remember seeing blood one night
but I don't remember being scared
you said it was normal when I asked
but it bothers me that I asked so casually

would you want me to remember
that you were sick?
or would you want me to remember
the fish in the water?
I think it must be the latter,
because that's how things turned out

I don't remember
how I felt

I was indifferent

a nice woman gave me hot chocolate
and she asked me questions
did I ever feel scared?
did I ever worry?
did I ever cry?
no

she told you that I wasn't afraid
did you think I was brave...
or did you think I didn't care?

I am telling you now
I was too young
I never thought about
what it would be like
not having a mother

I was indifferent

I went with you to the hospital
so we could go to the garden
and look into the fish pond
and all the fish in the water

they would get caught in the rocks
but they would squirm around
until they were free
they fought,
just like you,
they fought

and you won
and you lived
and I love you.

To my mom and my hero, Linda.