For The Sins Of My Father Poem by Harlequin Rose

Father,
I could choose you
or I could choose time...

I remember the lullaby
like it was our secret
he was just Daddy then
a simple Spanish man
with gray eyes and curly hair
he had not yet become the story I made up
when conversation was resting
but he would
back then he was my blueprint
for dreaming up the impossible
he would sing to me
in a language I didn't understand
but that I knew by heart
like the contours of his face
and the scratchiness of his beard
and the way his clothes
always smelled like Cuban cigars
and freshly cut sugarcane
he was real life to me...

Father,
I could choose you
or I could choose tears...

I remember the years
like they were wrapped tight
around the wounds in my spirit
he was just a man then
and then there was something magnificent
in the way he lied
about where he'd been
and why he left me behind
to pay for his mistakes
He'd sit with me
in rocking chairs
on my abuela's porch
and ask me simple things
that I could never answer
because all I could hear
was the sorrow in his voice
because we both knew
this time, just like all the others
was temporary
he would leave before the morning...

Father
I could choose you
or I could choose agony...

I remember it happening
like snapshots and still frames
I laid there quiet
and let him have his way with me
I may have cried
or fought
or collapsed under his weight
I could feel the tearing
and the bleeding
Daddy, this is your blood
do you want to bleed with me now?
do you want to violate something else in me?
you were heavier than I thought you'd be
heavy with expectation
heavy with desperation
heavy with hope
that you might one day stop this
but it was not to be
and now you coffin rests on my conscience.

Fatherr
I could choose you
or I could choose forgiveness...

I remember it was endless
the despair and the longing
the calming
the crying
the dying
the screaming
the needing...
Daddy
don't you understand the damage you have done?
I will love you forever
and I will hate you longer
but you are my blood
did you think I had forgotten that?
Did you think I could live without you?
Did you think I could forget
all the times you weren't there
and the things you did to me when you were?
Did you think it wouldn't hurt?
These days I find myself
kneeling in the wake
of men just like you
men who want some part of me
everywhere I go
a man wants some part of me
and I let them pass
good and evil
because I can't forget what you did
and every man will be you
until it ends
every touch will be yours
and every gray eyed stare
until the rage in me subsides
and there is nothing but silence...