Growing On A Personal Level, Or Striving To Poem by James Darwin Smith II

Trying so hard
To be something much more
Than I am now
Existing somewhere relevant
To something bigger
Whatever it may be
Despite these wounds

To be of importance
Being something erasing nothing
Existing, searching on a slope
For balance
Never falling
But walking with strides of great pride
Accomplishing what needs to be done
Being strong in one way or another
At the same time opening up these wounds
So they can finally be cured for here on out


But you see
My kind
Has to try so hard
To turn inside out
So I can show the world
All what I am
And all what I will be


To bleed extrovertly
It is so hard to do
At least for yours truly
Protecting self
From something
Perhaps lurking inside this head?
That had never existed in the first place

And as bad as painful as it may all be
It is my security blanket
Because as odd as it may be
It feels safer to feel this way
To be freed of this self-imprisonment within


It is so hard to explain
Yet, there is a huge part of me
Screaming out for help of self
To escape this prison
Going beyond
Making something more of myself
Never feeling out of place ever again

I stand silent
Even when I want to say so much
Rehearsing my lines of truths
That will end up wasting away in private regret
Wishing for the day
I can finally let everything out for good


To those who find certain things easy
Others may find them to be too hard to comprehend
Searching for ways of express oneself
Never venturing in their comfort zone again
As nothing ever stays comfortable in the end

Words and words and words
They are what I use to cope
Written in stanzas and verses
Traveling around or nowhere at all
Depending on if these feelings feel achieved

I just want to be relevant to someone
To something of importance
Freeing self of self
Telling the world here I am
I am finally free


I made myself this way
Trying to create much better days
Though I make strides as tiny as they may be
They are something of an improvement
This I truly believe


I just want to be someone fulfilling his own dreams
So I can finally for once and for succeed
Yet there is one person standing in my way
A stubborn person full of disarray
That man is me

I have to try and try
Till everything works out
And then relevant to myself
Once and for all

I have to believe in me
Stopping this phantom act of self-slavery
I just have to believe in me
What will it take for me to finally free myself?
Maybe I have the wrong kind of dignity
Who knows?

Perhaps, we shall see
That is once everything becomes clear
But for now
Everything seems blurry

What will be next for me?
Will I finally set myself free?

Perhaps, soon we shall see


I just have to keep believing in me

No ending here
Anytime soon

I am believer in me


© James Darwin Smith II