Hushing The Hurt Poem by courtney metcalf

I hate the pain that comes from nothing at all
When my mom cries cause I cry
And I feel like it's my fault
When she asks me why and I cannot answer
Frustrated with myself
Never meant to depress her
I bring her down with me
And I don't even try to
Want to get better
But don't know how to
I read lots of books on how to rewire my brain
Because I tend to put the people I love unintentionally through pain
I feel bad for feeling bad
I'm shamed for it daily
But if I don't know I'm doing it
Then how can I save me?
I wanted to write this to say I'm sorry
It's not an act for attention
I just really can't control me
I remember waiting confused because it was almost past six pm
The time my dad usually calls from prison
We talk a little while and I guess I say something that makes you frown
You tell me I should lighten up and stop always being so down
Thinking of how much of a burden I am when I don't even notice makes me begin to cry
Behind my sleeve I secretly wipe away the tears from my eyes
The one person I can never slide past is my mom
Or at least she's the only one who always asks why I'm crying and what's wrong
I say nothing and she assumes I miss my dad
'He'll call. I know you miss him baby, so please don't be sad'
That plead for me to be normal intensifies how guilty I already feel
She's just as unaware of why I'm crying as I was when I said whatever made her upset
We're both so clueless of what's really on
the other side of the fence