I Used To Be Completely Dedicated Chasing A Better Feeling. Poem by Alicha Du Plooy

I used to be completely dedicated chasing a better feeling, I needed to, I wanted to. Constantly running from the silence, it was deafening and unpleasant. Every day was the last time I would motivate myself, I will feel completely in control, till the feeling fades and complete dread falls upon me so fast without warning.
Wishing I could keep my promise to myself, but soon I will tell myself it's okay, this time will be the last. My best friend is night time the time where everything is still and welcoming, night time where I am completely free and save. A little bit to keep the feeling in place, my mind will play tricks my thoughts so abstract and wild a mission to put together on paper.
Awake, so awake into the night till early morning, talking to myself wishing I could be playful, content in making a blanket fort, and disappear in an imaginary world. I will sometimes wish I could have a child-like imagination to create an imaginary friend.
But most nights I wanted to be a freak, concentrating hard to lose my mind, the madness the total loss of control will make space in my mind where thoughts overflow like too much popcorn in a pot. I need a pick me up again, chasing a better feeling because I need to stay one step ahead of the constant feeling of dread.
It's my fault for letting you get to me, it's my fault for not letting go. I constantly waiting, watching, thinking of ways to fix it, constantly occupying my thought with the images of what was, wasting my time with the ugliness of you, the ugly that you glimmered, the ugly you cloaked, disguised as something amazing, something addictive, something I was blinded to the truth.
In that time it was tortured, along with my struggles, no one would understand so why waste my time even trying to ask for guidance. I have my pick me up, I had my nights, I had to chase the better feeling. I was drowning while you were smiling enjoying your masterpiece of distraction.
That time you were in control, why not? I was weak, it was my fault, but how would I have grown, how would I have become who I am now if I didn't have a couple of rotten fruit to make me realize that I want something much better, something good enough for me.
Don't assume that you get any credit for my growth, you had no part in it, you are nothing but an obstacle I had to overcome, my choice my doing, how ugly you seem now, what a waste of time you are now.
I still enjoy late nights sometimes.