Innocent Poem by Richard D Remler

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I declare this most patiently,
Madame and sir,
That it wasn't my fault.
I quite plainly assure
Just how innocent, indeed,
One can possibly be.
And I am the most
Innocent person I see.

If it had truly been me
Who committed this deed,
I'd not hide my guilt.
Why, I would quickly concede
That I'd been quite a fiend
In a most fiendish way.
But as you'll soon see,
I was too busy today.

It could not have been me.
I've a Witness, I'm certain,
Who may have actually
Seen me open the curtain,
And draw every blind
With a fine point Bic pen.
No, it could not have been me.
I was somewhere else then.

I was fixing the roof
Where it leaked from the rain.
I was painting the house.
I was clearing the drain.
I was walking the dog,
And then feeding the cat.
On days such as this
I do things like that.

I spent the day fishing,
Which ran far into the night.
But the lake was so quiet,
The trout would not bite.
So I built a fine wall
Out of old paper plates.
Then I sang an old tune
That named all fifty states.

I drove out to the country
To make sure it was there.
I searched and I searched
But could not find it anywhere.
So, disappointed and sour,
I made it back into town,
And every mailbox I passed,
I painted it brown.

I was weaving a hat
From this basket of straw.
It had a band and a bill
And not one single flaw.
It took me all day
And a weekend or two.
So those things that I did,
I could never do.

And I plan things, you see.
In a most skillful way.
So, quite ahead of my game
I took action today.
I went to the market,
But I'm not sure what for.
So, perhaps that's the reason
I went to the store.

I repannelled the wall,
And I fixed all the squeeks
From the joints and the hinjes
That had squeeked for six weeks.
I then taught the Canary
To sing baratone.
But the Parrots protested,
And made it fly home.

I folded a table,
And what a table it was.
Then I folded a chair
That went with it, because
They both went together,
And I hadn't the heart
To force my will upon them
And keep them apart.

I soon noticed the drapes
In the hallway were green.
The most obcene kind of green
That I've ever seen.
And, cautious man that I am,
I knew they had to go.
And not in a good way,
If you mean what I know.

I painted each window
A fine shade of black,
With a soft trim of pruple
Set way in the back.
But it was so dark in the house,
And so dismal and gray,
I couldn't find my way out,
And was stuck there all day.

I was teaching the cat
How to shampoo the dog.
I was building a campfire
Out of an old log.
I was washing my face
And then sweeping the tower.
And would you believe it
Took almost an hour!

Now, with all that you know,
You can well understand.
For you've deduced and surmised
All the knowledge at hand.
And I've no doubt at all
That the jury will see,
How I'm too good to be bad,
And I ought to be free.


Copyright © MMX Richard D. Remler