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Thursday, January 15, 2009

Laughability

How laughable
to find myself here,
wondering all over again,
trying to supress
a laugh
with hints
of hysteria.

Wonderings
come rushing back
to me.
memory is at
its best
and I'm out of its
control.

Though some comfort
can be taken
from this sudden
familiarity.
I still wish I
weren't here
with questions
still unanswered
and frustration
seeping through
the seams.

Forbidding myself
from any
semblance
of feeling
sadness,
I plough through
these fields
of uncertainty
with my head
held high,
perhaps in acknowledgement
of the woman
I am
the woman
I've become
and became
in times such as these,
when lessons
were learned
and power taken
from my own
powerlessness;
always knowing
that survival is
paramount
and not impossible.

I refuse the tears,
the ordinary tears
one would shed.
I banish them
from my new reality.
So many have I shed
in futility's
exercise.
I can't reduce this,
you,
to another
ordinary
futile
existence.

I close my eyes
and always
see you.
But surely
that will pass.
It has before,
and I won't let
the pain in,
because there
isn't any,
and he hasn't
come knocking
and won't.

I'm not the woman
I was when
I met you.
Perhaps there
is gratitude
somewhere
between the lines,
but none
I'd care to share
with you.

I've been here before,
remember?
But never as I am now:
stronger than
I ever was,
I feel a certain
invincibility
of heart
I recognise as
an element of
my own personal
triumph.
One no one can
erase.
Not even you.

(Curitiba,19 May,2008)
Melanie Walendowsky Baker
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COMMENTS
Sonya Florentino 05 May 2009
i love the natural flow of these thoughts....and yes, you should give yourself credit! ... and laugh at your old self!
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