Look Back - Poem by Rebecca Paul
Slowly crawling out of this hole in the ground.
Falling back to that place where I scream no sound.
Drinking so that I can numb the pain.
Laughing until I can’t remember my name.
Cutting to make the hurt a little bit duller.
Eating until my stomach gets a little bit fuller.
I don’t worry about the food; it doesn’t stay there long.
I worry about in God’s eyes, what’s right and wrong.
Crying these tears of hatred and longing.
Yearning for the day when I start belonging.
Wondering how long before he lands a hit.
Knowing, full well, I’m “not worth his spit”.
Trying to cover the pain with false feelings.
Crossing my mind, thoughts of smoking and stealing.
Needing comfort from not just a friend.
I crave love from someone who can’t help my end.
Covering my heart with pure passion and lust.
Beating through my mask and unbelievably thick crust
There remains a stray thought of a blonde little girl
Who could laugh and smile without a care in the world.
She didn’t cuss, drink, or cut until she felt
That if she could mix them all together, her heart would just melt.
She never thought that she would do such things;
That her heart had such emotions to bring.
She was the picture of innocence, carelessness and joy.
She was a fragile little creature, sitting alone with her toys.
She never thought Mommy and Daddy would never talk to each other again.
She never thought her step daddy would touch her there again.
She didn’t think that if she told, her Mommy would never believe her.
She didn’t think that when she told, her Mommy would tell her to leave her.
Kick her out, don’t come back again, and close the door behind you.
And if you ask for forgiveness one more time, just maybe God can find you.
She didn’t know that the world could hold so much sorrow.
She only prayed, that one of these days, she wouldn’t wake up tomorrow.
Now that girl is all grown up, and she can fend for herself.
She can ride roller coasters, wear make-up, and reach the very top shelf.
I’ve buried that girl deep inside, where no one else can find her.
And if anyone digs too deep, I’ve learned that I can hide her.
In far away lands, where everyone smiles and no one’s ever hurt,
I take those memories in a pretty silver box, and bury them under the dirt.
I’m still just a kid, that’s the only way I can deal, so back off and cut me some slack.
That little girl finds that if she leaves them behind she never has to look back.
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