Rebecca Paul

I’m anxious.
Can’t think straight.
Thoughts are scattered like
Pieces of paper.
...

Slowly crawling out of this hole in the ground.
Falling back to that place where I scream no sound.
Drinking so that I can numb the pain.
Laughing until I can’t remember my name.
...

I have no power here. No voice. No reason to continue fighting.
I have very little memory, actually, of what it was like to care.
I try to rejoice in my numbness: celebrate the dulled sounds, flat images, and jaded feelings.
The expression I wear is emotionally ambiguous at best,
...

I wish I could leave my skin
For just one day.
See if with me
The hurt would stay.
...

THE blood is disgustingly pretty. it's the perfect down for my
HIGH. they say cutting is your brain's
"ALMOST suicide". but, really, it just
MAKES my pain real. it's all
...

The fire in their dance;

So alive, so
...

Bite your lip.
Keep in the screams.
Close your eyes.
Live in your dreams.
...

Money makes the world go ‘round.
When I see my future, all I can think is
How far I'm going to go in life.
It doesn't matter
...

I wanted to drink until I forgot
your scent lingering on my shirt when you would hug me.
I wanted to drink until I forgot
all your empty promises and bitter words.
...

ALL i want to do is scream. i feel like
SCREAMS make you feel so much more alive than you
REALLY are. i constantly have to
HOLD in my shouts of contempt and animosity. only hateful
...

WHAT am i even here for? am i
A warning, since i cannot be an example? such a
WASTE of a pretty, blonde girl. my mother dreamt
OF one big, happy family. too bad i'm not
...

You were right there. Standing,
hands in your pockets, like nothing could hurt you.
Defiance palpable in the air you breathed.
Your back straight and your eyes so skeptically open
...

Fill me with music.
Let me brim with your melodies, and cry out lyrics.
Taste the guitar’s strings on my tongue, feel them strum your body into climax.
Fingers pressing against my keys, lifting vibrations from the very base of my core, and coaxing them from my mouth.
...

The skies reek of a certain vastness,
one that can be tenebrous and gloomy, or lustrous in its omnipotence.
I gaze up at it sometimes, letting thoughts scarcely run through my mind.
I let my eyes consider each color on the horizon, and
...

You’re so pretty
These words come from aliens’ mouths
They leave her confused and tormented
“If I were pretty, I’d know” she thinks
...

My dearest Ana, so small, so frail,
Your security reminds me I am strong.
The wind around your frame, a song.

My dearest Ana, so cold, so pale,
...

Just one more cigarette.
The smoke helps me breathe.
The nicotine clears my mind,
Gives me some room to believe.
...

I used to consider chapstick makeup.
I used to consider using conditioner “doing my hair”.
Now it takes me 90 minutes to deem myself acceptable enough to show my face.
Where did that carefree attitude go?
...

And my dreams always turn into nightmares where I wake up just in time.
Now, you can call that unoriginal, but you know I got those from you.
You can claw out from my throat all those words that you know I could never say.
You want “I’m sorry”s and “please don’t leave”s.
...

I never claimed to be an artist. That’s why I always turn down your offers of color.
I can’t create the brilliance in the world that I so appreciate.
My mind’s eye sees in black and white.
The only colors I can muster are the grays distilled from my soul.
...