Lord Byron Enjoys Time Travel Poem by Sheena Blackhall

Well, I think we've discovered
What brings your Lordship here into the future
You've so many followers on Twitter!
All those chat show interviews on TV!
A veritable cause célèbre!

Some call you a Bête Noire
Capable of all sorts of salacious vices
That send your book sales rocketing
No publicity's bad publicity
You're no more scandalous than the average rock star
But sell more pamphlets than vanilla ices

You're currently writing a book about your childhood,
Warts and all. And you have hinted at
Your single mother, chronic alcoholic, other issues
Andsexual abuse suffered in your youth
A real tear jerker. We'll hand round the tissues

Bisexuality nowadaysis fine. Bestialty, no
Be aware that incest, too, is still taboo
You should keep that under wraps
You must think of your fans, Lord Byron, that adoring crew
And of the course the Royal commentators
Are slavering over you

A Baron with blue blood running through your veins
Through your Gordon Clan
And you never lost that trace of a Scottish accent!
Like Connery, you could be a Scots James Bond
If Hollywood beckoned, can you imagine the gains!

Schooled at Harrow and Trinity
You could have been a PM, not a poet
You've certainly got the chutzpah
And don't you know it!

We see that you have bought back Newstead Abbey,
Turning the grounds into a safari park
With parking, a stage for holding festivals:
So very savvy
We know the paparazzi's been dogging you
Around the Riviera, Parisdemi-monde
(The tabloids do so love a juicy scandal
They're just waiting for your first trip into rehab
Especially as of excesses you're so fond)

Womanizing, gambling, playing polo,
Racing cars (and horses)jetting to photo shoots
Restless, no time to put down settled roots
We read you've been doing the current world tour
Dubai - Ibiza- the Maldives and Bhutan
Angkor Wat, Cambodia, Vietnam
The Terracotta Army, Shaanxi, China
The hedonistic nightlife of Phuket
Then off to Bali for ‘the inner man'

And when the Reading circuit starts to pall
Then Visit Scotland may well seek you out
After all, you were bred half a Scot
Something the tour folk have so far forgot!