RoseAnn V. Shawiak

Gold Star - 145,785 Points (October 6,1950 / New Jersey)

Losing Mom - Poem by RoseAnn V. Shawiak

I've been there, taking care of my Mom out of love, doing
everything possible for her, loving her throughout it all.

Losing sleep, worrying I wouldn't be with her when she
needed me most, worrying that her final moment would be
lived alone, that I'd fall asleep and she'd be gone.

Praying constantly, selfishly, because I couldn't bear to
lose her, yet praying unselfishly because I couldn't bear
to see her suffer.

There were so many conflicting emotions and thoughts
running rampantly throughout my mind and being, thinking,
not wanting her to suffer, yet not wanting to lose her,
vacillating continuously.

A final battle, tears falling, stirred by memories of the
past, loving, caring, sharing, a mother is always a friend.

Preparing myself mentally, thinking I had emotions under
control, 'I am prepared for her death', at least I had
told myself it was so, and then it happened, unexpectedly,
quickly, her life was over, she was gone.

Sorrow was too heavy, heart and soul were suddenly filled
with a gaping hole that could not be filled, the emptiness
was too great, too vast, nothing could quench it.

Intense pain wrung my heart over and over, tears surged
repeatedly from depths never known before, the sheer horror
of losing my Mom, losing her love, sent me spinning head-
first into the deepest sorrow I have ever known.

The pain was real, it was hard! every way I turned there
was total darkness, the spirit of her life was no longer
present to me, the essence of her being that I'd known my
entire life was gone in a flash, a moment of deathly silence.

Mom was ripped from my gentle grasp, never to be seen again
on the shores of earth, there is nothing like the loneliness,
deep and hurting, etching it's memory forever within.

People all around, none of them could help, a Mother's death
is an experience that can only be lived through, it is a
journey every individual must make alone.

Words cannot comfort or touch and ease the sorrow, not even
from one family member to another, we all hold our Mother's
close to our hearts, we share the same sorrow of death, but
we still cannot help each other.

None of us can see above our grief, our eyes are downcast,
our minds are running through the past, after only a moment
of death, an eerie haunting feeling that she is not really
dead, yet the moment after death has completed it's task,
our minds take over, trying to fool us into thinking Mom has
not yet died.

A surge of power from within our hearts pushes out and we
believe that prayer will save her yet, praying, eyes closed,
concentrating, praying like I'd never prayed before, when
that slip of stark reality hit with a force I could not
cast aside.

Reality hits hard and fierce, not caring how it hurts and
causes pain, it is unaware of our pretenses and denial, it
sits instead, awaiting our pain and grief, sorrow and dis-
belief for the power death has over each of us.

My heart heavily overflowed, fell out of my body, was
crushed beyond comprehension, wrung by sorrow's hands, no
longer able to hold on to hope, let go of reluctantly, I
felt a part of myself being wrenched from within, forever
gone, taken with my Mom to heaven.

The silence of her death continues to begin forever.

Poet's Notes about The Poem

My Mom died in 1988, July 10 at the age of 62, just before her birthday on July 24. I wrote this poem right after she died, I still miss her, think of her, write poems about her.

I sincerely offer heartfelt sympathy to all who have lost their Mother. This poem is dedicated to my Mom, may she rest in peace knowing I still love her.

Because of the intensity and pain felt when this writing this poem, I could not even think of sharing it before now. It was time to let it go.

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Poem Submitted: Thursday, March 12, 2015

Poem Edited: Thursday, March 12, 2015

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