Louise Visits The Doctor - Poem by Herbert Nehrlich
'I need to have this strange condition
that's bugged me now for fourteen blasted days,
my man is in a hurry (goin' fishin') ,
fixed still this morning, better right aways.
It is the dizzigo, the book says vertical I think,
comes on me sudden like, though I don't touch the stuff.
And when it hits me I sit down and have to stink,
must be a connection there but it is really rough
when at the baker's veritable thunder shocks the man,
and gettin' home I find fresh traces in my nickers
it seems that if I hold it in as best I can
the dizzigo comes back and Athol snickers.
See here, Doc that's the traces I just mentioned
it seems I have a choice, it's either stumbling
or from the other end, with no intention
a load of air and stuff, I hear it rumbling
this very moment, would you take your blessed scope
and listen, maybe find the real reason
because, I tell you Doc, I'll get myself the rope
if this is permanent, oh, also when I'm sneezin'
it really has a noticeable effect
so here I am, I trust you'll fix this mad disease
there is some evidence, I just now checked...
a tiny trickle has run down to both my knees.'
The doctor checked Louise (straight from the farm) ,
the consultation was cut short, to 'very brief',
she had cooperated with her country charm
and in the end she said, 'Good Heavens', and 'Good Grief',
when doc had found the cause of her estranged condition.
Right through the whole exam she played her tunes
with the occasional malodorous emission.
He made his diagnosis when two chunks of prunes
flew out and landed on the doctor's snow white coat,
she told him that she had, for many weeks
munched thirty prunes for brekkie, they worked by remote,
though she had never noticed more than tiny leaks.
So he explained about her blood's electrolytes
that had been buggered by the prunes and made her sick,
enough to cause piquant and frequent passage rites
and the prescription that he wrote would do the trick.
It said 'Ol. ricini, repeat a dozen times'.
Louise went home and never once did leave the farm.
She'd sit and read inside the outhouse, nursery rhymes
but even there Louise retained a certain charm.
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