Midnight Catechism Poem by Paata Shamugia

(Truistic Encyclopoem)

Did you know that
A human invents a thousand things
To avoid loathing the self
And pursue life
As if there were no inane death of children,
Adults did not get their brains whitewashed
And the future did not seem so obscure and insecure.
Did you know that
The only justification for art is that
It helps us labor under the temporary illusion
Of some sense in life
And, as for death, nothing to keep secret,
It is postponed for an indefinite period.
Did you know that
The only people talking about death
Have never ever experienced it,
And the ones who have,
Suspiciously keep silent.
Let the alive talk about
Their alive ones-
Who wrote this? - we have no idea
As the author was killed
By Roland Barthes
And Roland Barthes himself
Was killed by a driver
In a car accident in 1980
And the driver himself was killed by our Savior
Who also killed 400 thousand people
In Syria
And 15 thousand people in Abkhazia,
And, just anyway,
He also killed several thousand
In Samachablo.
Did you know that
Before his death
Charles II had apologized
For dying at such an unsuitable moment.
Did you know that
In general, there is no suitable moment for death.
Did Charles II know about it?
Did you know that
Death does not exist at all.
This is a linguistic casus,
A program error
Crept into reality by mistake.
Actually, death statistics
Proves absolutely the opposite,
But this must be a kinda hoax-
Just social engineering to divert attention.
Did you know that
Like death,
No rainbow exists either,
It is not a rainbow you look at,
You look at your mind
Visualizing a rainbow,
Still beautiful, isn't it?
Did you know that
Some deaths might be
Beautiful.
Moreover, there must be some beauty in death-
A friend of mine said so.
He couldn't tolerate hideous deaths,
Those unintended and accidental ones -
As if you have stumbled over a child
Who fell in a street.
And he himself had a beautiful death-
People were satisfied.
Did you know that
Satisfaction is a patent of happiness,
Palmed onto us in this world,
Like something initial and genuine.
The instructions for being happy shall be rewritten.
Reality shall be made chaotic.
Do you think we really stood for this in the wind and rain?
Did you know that
Some might be born
And disapprove things we mixed,
But a folklore expression-
Has already replied to them-
Moderate writers usually replace it
By ellipses.
Did you know that
Any full stop has the right
To be an ellipses
And through a pause, as resilient as a snake,
To secure a gap between the speaker and the message …
Is this really capable of saving us from awkwardness,
From silences filled with messages,
But still fine -
It'll scatter the sense of absurd
Like an election commercial does in the middle
Of a film-
Conveying nothing,
But spoiling nothing, either.
Did you know that
If you wash hands with 'Safeguard',
Your skin will keep tenderness
Like a baby's tushy,
And 'No-spa forte' will assist you to release spasms
(Read the label before you take one) .
Did you know that
Seneca wrote to Lucilius about an outdoor advertisement.
He was outraged at the squawking of vendors
Walking from street to street,
Screaming loudly the names
Of goods to sell.
Marketing in the classical era!
Absolutely unimaginable!
Did you know that
I'm selling a collection
Of poems for 99 Gel and 99 Tetris,
You'll get an anthology of Georgian poetry as a bonus.
The birth of poetry from a collective spirit.
Did you know that
Now, the very moment I'm writing the line-
It's my birthday- March the 20th.
And it's also Otar Chiladze's,
Henrik Ibsen's
Daniel Cormier‘s
And Guja Mekvabidze's
Birthday
(Has failed to become a character
In one of my poems so far,
So I'll give up on him.)
And, furthermore,
There is a coronavirus pandemic in the world and
Quarantine and
Self-isolation and
Economic crisis
And there surely is personal crises
To the very extent unsuitable for March the 20th.
The time has stopped, the seconds have curdled-
You can touch and shape them
And get into that happy illusion of grasping time.
Did you know that
From time to time happiness becomes so ambitious to impest us,
Capture and tame us,
But we not easily let it do so,
You do agree, don't you?
Happy people are boring,
Though, I'd once experience that boredom, why not!
By God!
Did you know that
We, Georgians, also have some boring writers
But still haven't succeeded to win the Nobel.
Maybe something else is needed. No idea.
Did you know that
A problem, well-stressed in a good creative work,
Can achieve absolute materialization-
While reading Hamsun's Hunger I ate three cheesy breads,
A pot of beans,
Two Kakhetian Shotis
And I still felt hungry.
Did you know that
Up to a milliard people suffer from famine.
I am not against banning hunger,
Quite a useless phenomenon.
Did you know that
The problem in the Soviet Union was that
Everything was prohibited
And the Post-Soviet problem is that
Everything is compulsory.
E.g. voting in the elections,
Having civic responsibility,
Seizing the moral high ground
And looking askance at others.
Even being a hero is also compulsory,
At least once a week or so-
A little bit tiring, but you gradually get used to it.
Did you know that
There are ex-heroes,
No more in need,
There are even ex-girlfriends-
Absolutely sure of that.
Did you know that
A navel is our ex-mouth-
We used to eat from while in the womb,
Think we don't appreciate it at all,
Neither do we anybody or anything ex-
Writers would never say a word for them
Neither Zurab Tsereteli would stand a grandiose navel monument
In an avenue named for one of the poets.
Did you know that
An ex-poet got into the mood of
Settling pauses between words,
And exactly the moment he recharged metaphors
And was about to gun down readers,
Words betrayed him.
There is no one to trust.
Did you know that
In the 90-ies a famous Georgian writer
Was caught with her lover by her husband
While conducting a special operation of saving species
And since then the one has only managed
To conduct this noble act
While waiting for her embittered husband.
The man is miserable
And when being miserable,
The man is innocent
Misera plebs. Friends, truly, Misera plebs,
A fortiori that
'You do not know when the owner of the house will come back—
Whether in the evening, or at midnight,
Or when the rooster crows, or at dawn.' [Mark, Chapter 13]
This makes the story so sad that
It's even a little bit hilarious.
Did you know that
If a man realizes the hilariousness of himself
He would be deliberate when mocking others.
For this reason, try to be as compassionate as God,
But let no one idolize you-
Results in crucifixion.
Did you know that
The habit of idolizing someone is as unconscious habit
As a fizzy drink during a hangover-
Changes nothing, but you still have one.
Did you know that
If you shake Coke and pour it into a bath,
It won't remove yellow grime-
This is a piece of empirical evidence.
Did you know that
There is empirical evidence that
A man is capable to endure thirst, hunger, even love for a long time.
Did you know that
Love lasts for three years.
It lasts even more, but there is a novel saying so.
And a novel itself is a genre-
Invented in the fifteenth century, surviving to date
But did only appear in Georgia in the twentieth century-
Not well-done, not at all.
Maybe was hindered by the masons, wasn't it?
Do we have any right to talk about it?
Did you know that
The yellow press said I was financed by the masons?
Did you know that
I used to be furious about it
As I have been living in a university dorm ghetto so far
Where even the lift is out of order
(Sometimes it works, I do have to admit,
Especially, at New Year,
Considering we do have two days for New Year-
Much better for the lift.)
Did you know that
Writing about the self in this manner is an old-fashioned method
Only mediocre poets use this trick-
Aiming to move the audience
And extort social capital from them.
This is called capitalizing on poverty.
Did you know that
You can dearly sell your poverty. Oxymoron -
Do you know this word?
You do know suspiciously a lot!
Who are you? !
Did you know that
Who am I? - is the only philosophical question-
Etceteras are just manipulations.
But even this question has been unanswered so far.
Perhaps we aren't ready for this.
Perhaps philosophy conceals its self from us,
Favoring us gently, as they say.
Did you know that
New Year is celebrated twice in Georgia,
(Therefore, I also mention it twice)
But in case you are not that lucky to be born Georgian,
You can try another method:
Celebrate New Year in Sydney,
Then fly to Honolulu-
12 hours behind Sydney.
This is how one can celebrates New Year twice.
One New Year is enough,
For a standard person, though.
Did you know that
A standard person has 46 chromosomes,
A standard potato has 48.
No need to hurry to make evolutionary conclusions,
Though potato is always good -
Medium baked,
Flavored with basil and mint,
Seasoned with stewed onions and cherry plum sauce.
But a man is not always good-
Whatever medium he is.
Did you know that
The significance of moderateness is overestimated,
Think the word is lobbied by lexicographers
Do you really think it's good to be a moderately talented writer? ! - far it be from me! -
Or a moderately dead man,
To say nothing of a moderately alive one!
Did you know that
Santa Clause does not exist.
You must know.
Sure of that.
Did you know that
'Only when the last tree has died
And the last river been poisoned,
The last bird been caught
Will we realize we cannot eat money.' -Tatanka Iyotake.
Did you know that
My homeland-
Expectant of the European Union subsidies,
Expectant of the World Bank Subsidies,
Expectant of the US Congress subsidies, -
Abounds in hungry children,
In belly-pinched poets
Looking down through their empty pockets,
Abounds in Toyota Priuses and human sorrows,
But imposes 199 Gel as the cost of living-
Figuratively speaking, of course,
Not enough even for a decent dog.
Did you know that
Some metaphors
Have lived through never appearing in any poem,
So, they deserve a separate dictionary
To train our tongues.
Did you know that
Any tongue print is unique
Exactly like a fingerprint.
This might mean that each word
After it steps from the mouth
Is unique and worth respect.
Perhaps, it means nothing like this at all-
No one knows
Where writing logic leads us.
Did you know that
The manner of thought while writing by hand
Is different from the manner of thought while typing.
Absolutely identical thoughts
Bend absolutely differently on paper
And absolutely differently on screen.
(Dictatorship of the medium!)
Did you know that
The most annoying question for a poet is: why do you write?
Are people with cancer really asked why they have cancer?
Did you know that
Poetry is not a profession,
It's a disease, a pathology, virtually,
(Comes as pathology, buster)
And is no less bitchy
Than Covid -19,
A religious bigot
Or an electric chair.
Did you know that
An electric chair was invented by a dentist,
And a toothache itself was invented by our Saviour,
Who also invented a headache,
A liver-ache,
A heart-ache,
Coccyx tale and
Supinator muscle diseases,
And, at the same time, a pain caused by a metabolic disorder
And, surely, pain in the kidney.
Did you know that
If there were no God,
We had to invent one,
And as we did invent,
I.E. there is no God.
Did you know that
We've become mini Gods-
Going to colonize Mars
And, in parallel, someone ate a bat in one of the Chinese villages,
Then we had to close down the earth.
Did you know that
The man is miserable,
Unable even to nominate the own self,
So, the one who asks - who we are,
Should only be welcomed with silence
Or Sorrowful laughter.
Did you know that
Laughter
Brings more oxygen into the body
Than normal breathing.
Therefore, let's laugh:
Hahahahahahahahahaha,
Hehehey
Hey
Hey, you, the Aragvelians,
Did you know that
Chrysippus - a Greek stoic philosopher
As it is fabled,
Laughed at his own joke in a way that he died of … laughter.
What a non-stoic behavior!
Did you know that
The one who laughs is the one who laughs in the end.
And
It is God
Who laughs
In the end.
He is laughing,
Laughing,
Dying
Of laughter.


Translated by Inga Zhghenti