Misconception Of Misery Poem by Andrus Cassian

It only started as a misconception, a misunderstanding
then like grass fed rain, it grew...grew into this
A eulogy, maybe this could be it
about you? For once, this is about me
How can it be...how can it be?
Dreaming, a dreamer am I
I've been dreaming since I was five
What age am I? 13?
Sorry, I felt like I was just a little older
I've had a rough life to live through
Lately I've been on edge, a steady step away
from jumping headfirst off a bridge, off a ledge; yeah
My life, a disarray of scattered promises
some broken, some kept
Emptiness, sorrow; all I seem to understand
everything has swept under me too fast
and I have nothing to hold onto to help me stand
Help me, I'm stuck on a roller coaster
I've had to teach myself how to react, how to attack
how to be stronger than me
while an unconscious thought screams, 'WHERE'S MY DAD AT? '
but unknown training left me to mimic
the things I've seen on TV or the reality set before
Chameleon boy
and where are my parents: working and away
Unknown and unheard of has my father been
till I was out of kindergarten
No one told me anything yet again I asked no questions
maybe I was just too young to understand
like a good boy, I just fell in line
while the innocence took over, leaving the oblivion
and my mother..somehow I've found 3 more women to call mom
They've treated me as part of their pack, their family
while in my own home, I'm the black sheep
while in my own home, I'm the outcast
When did home turn into high school part 2?
I shouldn't have to teach myself anything
I shouldn't have to change colors to satisfy anyone
so why do I feel I need to be a rainbow to be noticed
cause I'm so sick of being clear, of being me
How can it be, how can it be?
All I've ever known up until 4th grade was knowledge
knowledge only got me so far
I didn't know the stage beyond friend
I didn't know how to make friends, how to be one
Socially awkward, is this my disease
Misguided and divided I am
Is this what all Geminis face or is it just me
Did I remind her so much of my father
that my punishment is to live in my island of a room
and never return to shore
Everyone wonders why I'm the odd one, why I'm the distant one
why not since I know I'll never be enough
I know I've been more than a little harsh
I might have everything all wrong
but have you ever been taken away from your father
kicking and screaming while he stands defeated
switched between parents, back and forth
switched between states, off and on for years on end
Growing up yet you are absolutely oblivious
the only thing you know to be true is the sky is blue
the only thing you know to be true is the one place you hate
From 4th grade on, I've been a vortex
spiraling down, becoming gradually worse
guess where I'm bordering now
In 5th grade, a poor reaction from confused feelings
lead to a breakdown and a halting of tears I couldn't stand
6th grade, I was a walking time bomb
fueled by rage, quelled by romance but all was fleeting
all I saw was red
All my judgments went so poorly
and every other day I hadn't the strength to move on
almost becoming a part of the in-crowd
that little kid dream of fitting in
Isn't it fun, caring so much while losing yourself ends friendships
funny, I never wanted to leave that year behind
I had my childhood friends, a girlfriend
I knew these people for years, I was content
until I went home, packed my bags
not breathing a word of goodbye
giving up everything it took years for me to have
whisked away to a new life
a new life I want nothing apart of
7th grade, what a maze
I stood on my heels, pacing, a loser
Fitting in with people I know I'll never see again
showing a side of me I never knew existed
while becoming confused with a different attitude
towards this new life I've been chosen to live
education still my dictator
but that summer changed everything
I grew into myself, making new friends along the way
somehow I was someone everyone claimed to love
8th grade is where my life started, apparently my best year
Popularity, I reached my goal; I was thinking for myself
finally feeling like I was more than a face
but everything fell apart too quickly
Everywhere I looked up, we had to pack and move
there was too many questions and stress
while I just wanted to survive the year yet I survived nothing
Like my walls, I withered and crumbled
Why must I always be taken away from the things
the things I love the most
It's like breathing in cancer to remember
so I try to forget but I meet irreplaceable people
yet I know we'll grow of touch
Life just loves to see me suffer
Insanity is just sitting there, laughing away
while music tries to calm me down
with the aid of friends, the people I've come to know and love
and the one I'm chasing after
Somehow through the dark clouds
I find beauty in the unseen life of the world
I care too much, fall too hard, love too seriously
I try to be more than myself when I really just want to be...me
I admit I'm selfish yet selfless
This life has proven an obstacle I cannot conquer
My heart is strong but my bones are weak
I think too much
and all I've been through just made me older
just made me wish for a better life
wish for something beyond this
yet I just needed some relief tonight
from my shattered wasteland of uncharted feelings
Let the waves calm to halt and the sunset fall
A tale for time to read and weep for the misery of...me