Monstrous Man, A Poem by David Thomas

I feel no pity no remorse
I feel no inner morality at my throat
with a collar the size of my sins,
I feel joy when I fight
to know I'm breaking someone with my own strength
I see the pain I have ever caused and I smile
to know I am capable such a feat-
Guilt the very ground under my strong feet,
sinking expediently to surround me with its memories
I will become an embodiment of grief and rancid nostalgia-
Yet I smile as I gaze into the future knowing
I will never rest never give up never stop
pursuing what it is that brings such joy to my soul,
the feeling of being so high and so pure
nothing could compare...
nothing except the love that you have never shown me
nothing except the kindness you have given my heart,
I just want to know do you love me for my soul
or for the color of my eyes when the sun twinkles their core,
do you love me for the man I am- as shown? Or
for the man I really am- the monster hidden far down below,
I keep it locked in its cage
but the best lock is the one that isn't real
all it needs to do is open the cage and tear its way out
yet not once has it ever even tried,
I do not understand how something so monstrous
could stay at bay so calm for so long
is it something I have done? Or is it simply just tired of its journeys?
I may never know,
I may never know the love that I hold for you mirrored so