Kevin Carney

Rookie (New York)

My Faith Has Been Rocked - Poem by Kevin Carney

My faith has been rocked…
Don’t see what became of me.
I looked into the faith of mankind…
It seems it was all a pipe dream.
I tried to help the best I could.
Failing so miserably in the end…
I would bet my life on it all.
That’s how sure I was to be…
It was the feeling I had in my heart…
So sure I could become the hero in the end…
So hard I tried to make things so much better for you.
Only to realize that was not you wanted.
What a mess it’s all become…
I’m dying a little each day…
I’m going blind to the vision I thought I had.
I’m speechless,
the words have no longer any meaning.
I’m walking to my grave…
How much do you really love me?
Do you have the courage to resurrect me in the end?
Dig up my bones, the skeleton I have become…
Place me in a neat array.
Cast your spell,
pull me back into the edge of time…


Comments about My Faith Has Been Rocked by Kevin Carney

  • Pranab K Chakraborty (12/1/2010 4:25:00 AM)


    Painful demonstration of self-suffering. Faith is not any static state of mind. Faith in psychology is a process of convincing one's mind by believing the superiority of an object. Its very dynamic state of mind which needs 24hrs. alertness. Yes, its a battle of human mind against disbelief and darkness to attain a lightened level of existence. If you can, you will achieve, if not you have to write such lines as you have written in the poem. Anyway, wish you regain your faith and joy of life. Otherwise very sad your journey. Live desparately as long as you can. Thank you.

    Regards,
    pranab
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  • (11/28/2010 2:59:00 PM)


    Crit4 My Faith Has Been Rocked
    -=-=- (x) means = cut
    (words enclosed) means = suggested change
    / means= line break // means stanza break.
    -=-=- when the first line and the title are the same the writer is losing part of his opening. Give the reader a little more to think about in one place or the other. It will also help the opening. And it will hold your reader’s interest a bit more. Especially if there is some sort of antithesis between the opening and the first line. Just something to think about when creating a title for a poem.

    My faith has been rocked…
    (I can’t) see what became of me.//

    I looked into the faith of mankind…
    It seems it was (X) a pipe dream.
    -=-=- I like this a lot// It reminds me of Eugene O’Neil’s “Ice man cometh” Spot on if you ask me.

    I tried to help the best I could.
    Failing (X) miserably (X) …//
    -=-=- stanza break here/ And the word (all) can always be cut in my opinion. It never adds much to most poems. And it is generally an overstatement metaphor besides. In most cases it’s a flop in that sense of a metaphor. You use the statement “in the end” 3 times in the poem. I see no need for the reiteration throughout the poem other than at the end. Which would bring home the point in question “in the end” So I suggest the cut here and below and leave it stand in the closing part of the poem. But it is a cliché and you might what to rethink the cliché for better wording and deeper meaning.

    I would bet my life on it (X) .
    -=-=- Again the word (all) and “I would bet my life on it” is a cliché besides. If you find you are using a cliché; it is wise to try to rewrite the cliché with a more personal structure while maintaining the understanding of the cliché: ie “there is a wager on every heartbeat” for instance might have a similar meaning but offer more to the structure of the poem as a metaphor as well as offer the reader deeper insight without the clutter of the cliché that has baggage from everywhere else it’s been used.

    That’s how sure I was (X) …
    It was (A) feeling I had in my heart.//
    -=-=-stanza break.

    (I wanted to) become the hero (X) …
    (X) I tried to make things (X) better for you(X)
    Only to realize that “wasn’t” (what) you wanted.
    -=-=- missing a word here. (what you wanted)

    What a mess it’s all become… ///
    -=-=- This line is confusing to the depth of the poem. I suggest rewording. (it has become a mess.) but the real problem is the “it”. What does the pronoun refer back to? You being the hero, trying to make things better or to the opening faith that has been rocked as a pipedream? Clarifying the “it” would make the poem stronger. Also make a break here in the poem

    I’m dying a little each day…
    I’m going blind to the vision (X) I had.
    I’m speechless,
    the words (X) no longer (have) meaning.
    I’m walking to my grave…
    -=-=- This metaphor needs the other side of it. We are all walking to our graves each day with every breath. So you need to complete the sense of the agony within this walking toward the grave to actually give the words impact. Like: I’m walking to my grave through the mud. Inferring that you are becoming submerged in the earth in some way. But there are many other things that might connote the deeper meaning of the complete poem as well. But a good concrete image will really help right here.

    (X) do you really love me?
    -=-=- just flat out ask the question. Direct language in such cases will have far more impact upon a reader. Don’t over word the statement or flower it over with images. Straight forward language sometimes has far more impact on a reader than trying to make things bigger then they are.

    Do you have the courage to resurrect me in the end?
    -=-=- Do you need the word “courage” This is a bit personal here. I would suggest “will you resurrect me after I rot” Suggesting much with the rewording of the cliché on the end of the line. But it would cut the line down to a more direct language statement that has more impact. and connect more with the next line.

    Dig up my bones, the skeleton I have become…
    (arrange) me in a (displayed) array.
    Cast your spell,
    pull me back into the edge of time…
    -=-=- the preposition here in the last line has me questioning its use. “into”. I find it a bit confusing in meaning. “on or onto” the edge might be more seemly to me when speaking of coming back to the edge of anything. So I question its us a bit. I suppose one could also be found “at” the edge again as well, which would also work toward a solidity of edges.


    Overview:
    Speaking of the overall structure of the poem: this poem could be helped quite a-bit by adding stanzas. It would pace the reader and offer more cognizance for the reader to develop the thoughts that are offered throughout the poem. A fantastic poem by the way. A very enjoyable read. I feel you could tighten up the lines a bit more. But the concept presented is rich and rewarding as a read. The language for the most part is smooth and easy to comprehend. A bit more direct language could be used in a few place, more so in the ending of the poem. Watch out for the over use of the word “all”. It is terrible overused and misused most of the time which creates weaknesses within the poetic structures of the poem. Also you might want to be aware of falling into cliché from time to time. Sometimes it means its time to cut something but many times the cliché can be rewritten in your own words and have a far stronger impact on a reader.
    The opening of the poem is a bit weak in the sense that the title and first line are the same. The reiteration offers nothing at all to the poem. A better title or first line would be helpful. Going back from the closing and bring something forward can sometimes bring much into the opening that connects with the closure of the poem. Be subtle if you do this. You don’t want to give away your closure. Even something that reads into the poem would be good. For instance “Much Thinner” would make an interesting title that would pull the reader into the poem to find out what the title means. It would also act as an antithesis against faith that is rocked in the first line. Something like this would empower the opening far more than repeating the first line.
    The turning point come with “I’m dying a little each day” This is the shift in the poem. The complete turning point is a bit rough in language in the sense that words could be cut to make the language more direct in nature which would offer far more impact on a reader.
    The closure is quite long in this poem. But all the lines work toward a strong closing. We could use a bit more subtly about the “rocked faith” within the closing here to connect more with the opening and turning point tying together a bit more, which closures should do: connect the turning and opening into a new concept. We have the new concept and it does connect the turning point but the opening isn’t connected too well or it could be connected better here in the ending of the poem.

    great poem Kevin I enjoyed the read and the analyzing of the poem for myself. Remember these are only suggestions and you must hold true to your own greater depth of purpose. I am only offering this critique from my personal point of view. This is how I see your poem and its structure working toward a better epiphany by this reader.

    a poet friend
    RH Peat
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Poem Submitted: Friday, November 26, 2010

Poem Edited: Saturday, May 21, 2011


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