My Father Poem by Blessing Kalamatila

Dad!
If Life had buttons a huge part
of me would love to hit reset;
and go way back to the days my Mom was my only friend
because then I'd be able to see you come home exhausted from all the hours you spent working;
but some how made time to gather all your children for a prayer just to close the day.

Then hit fast forward to how you'd encourage me when school didn't feel right
and when I became of age how you led me to Christ.
I would hit fast forward again to my first pay when I bought all the suits and classic ties
and you said 'this is good' but sat me down and taught me the importance of paying tithe.
I guess I have you to thank because I know what to do first the moment I get paid,
I have the Bible to run to when am afraid
but I'd still hit that pause Button just to remember your voice during that last call you made.

Today a small part of me keeps telling me to hang on
I guess that might be your voice whispering Hope from great beyond and even if that's true,
then am afraid it ain't enough
because I still need you.

Sometimes all of this feels like a dream;
but my sad reality is every time I wake up to your absence I just want to scream, how stupid...
I mean you taught me everything a man is supposed to be
but now I seem to forget how to put God first and lately I can't seem to find myself because loosing you hurts.

See!
I am slowly starting to lose that zeal to fight,
can't tell apart the wrong from right
but because of my proclivity to write;
this mic, the stage and these words are all that is left of my masculinity;
you see it makes no sense being macho during the day only to cry the most at night.

look Dad!
it's a bit weird down here,
I mean with no one to compliment my existence the way you did
how do I remain persistent in this life?
sometimes it gets to me knowing you won't be here to see my wife.
You see this pain cuts so deep
that on certain days like a nightmare;
I fail to enjoy my sleep.

It's pretty sad as I think of what we could've done together,
somehow I was of a twisted view you were going to live forever,
that I could pick up the phone whenever
just say 'Hi pops'and talk about whatever but this never ends;
the wish to have you stay,
the wish of going back to that
fateful day
and hoping it could at least end in a different way,
the wish of having you tell me congratulations, or;
the wish to at least have that one last conversation.

So, how do I do this?
like were do I even start?
how do I move on
or how do I need to carry myself from now on?
how do I stop these tears
and get over some of my fears?
I keep asking all these questions simply because I don't get the right answers
instead all I hear 'stay strong'
whilst my curiosity keep growing like a cancer.

I mean can one answer how to adjust when death takes from you those you love for no reason?
I swear,
this gift we call life is sometimes more of a prison;
it explains why I feel trapped not forgetting why it's so easy for me to revisit the past and confine myself to those resplendent memories of us just to escape the present.

Depression keeps knocking at my door
despite the do not disturb sign;
this loss presses down heavy on me but I keep telling everyone that I am fine.
It's all Grace,
the courage to write such a poem with a hope to share this honesty to those in perfect attendance every time I recite,
when in fact am stuck somewhere in between denial and acceptance.