My Rage - Poem by DAVID TERRY

You left me angry all the time
Left without reason or rhyme
A year has come and gone
Full of alone
Lone feelings, being together, being apart
And I’m still here
Still here but full of something I didn’t know
A year ago
It never leaves me no matter how much I pray
And stay and display a happy face
In the place
Of what boils underneath
It seethes
And that never was so
That year ago
Shocked to my system you
Abandoned us to be with him
Tearing me apart limb from limb
And I never knew, never suspected
Even after as I reflected and wondered what I had done
To be un-won. I live on the shelf
And don’t want to admit to myself
That part of the reason was me
That could be
After all, I was in crisis too
Falling apart, before you
Needing, wanting, hurting before you
And much more now after you
I wanted to be someone you admired
A goal to which I aspired
Despite all that we caused to transpire
In the middle of all we did conspire
At the hardest time, on the hardest night
You drove away into the light and I was left
Beside myself and alone
And after all the flailing and wailing
I see what happened and I’m here today
And I have to say
That in misguided love I did what I did
That I gave up my family, my wife, my life
And took up your strife
It destroyed all I cared for
Shared for, despaired for
My children hate me
My wife despises me
She left me and took me
I can’t blame her, I would too you see
My friends deserted me
Abandoned and pariahed me
Saw me as a hypocrite
I sullied my faith just to get
You in my life
Then you left, you left the same
In playing your game
Behind your smiles
Were spun your wiles
Now across these miles
I realize
I became somebody
Who nobody would trust with anybody
And I did it for us
For me, to build trust
Where it was not possible
In such a short space
To life you brought grace
I had fallen before
But never until more did I know much about
You or how you did without affection and caring
And all of love’s sharing
I didn’t see it coming
Or how I was unbecoming who I always had been
Holding happiness within
You saw that in me
And became more you see
I fell so much in love with you when you said
That you loved me too
And even before I knew
You said you did
I felt like some stupid kid
And I didn’t see how much I had slid
Into something else
There was much I did not know
Of those hints you did not show
How with me you didn’t intend to grow
That you were secretly letting go
My truest heart had not displayed
So the player then got played
Feeling I got what I deserved
I buried and reserved how much it hurt to lose you
Despite what you felt you had to do
And now this year has disappeared since
That moment when time stopped hence
And I think back and I don’t understand why you said you loved me
When I put above all else, beloved
And could it be
That I did not see what was happening
That me you were abandoning
In all our petty schemes
Were shattered those red dreams
Until that night when a moment’s bliss
Was a final goodbye in a deceptive kiss
And ever since I’m left to wonder if you think back
On what you tore asunder
Safe and secure where you wished to live
How you could ever forgive
My frailty and my many mistakes
That came with all the give and take
Of what we shared taken on the sly
I’m left here now in all my choices
Bad and good denying the voices that call to me
From memories that caused my heart to freeze
Now a year has come and gone
Since the day when did we love as one
A stolen moment of passion
Pretending to be love old fashioned
I do not see or speak to you
While stir you do your witches brew
Casting spells from afar, from wherever you are
Spells that try to me entice
Though they really aren’t very nice
And never suffice
For that moment shared in the sun
Or on the steps
Breathing the same air
Or over a cup of coffee
Or lunch, or dinner, and other times
Of holding together in the afterglow of more
Of your skin and how I could not have wanted more
Than you and who you were
I sit here in my coldened room
Battling the gloom
And I wonder if it was all real
Those moments we did steal
Was it all just lies and fabrication
More than carnal complication?
Stolen passion in his home, his place of adoration
Times we writhed together in that place
That was the space you shared
With another man’s face
Did you ever tell him about me?
Did you tell him how you used to do me?
Did you ever really truly love me,
Or did you really just get what you wanted from me?
Use, abuse, refuse, and confuse me
I don’t know what you are thinking today
As I keep and stay away
And each day it is agony to say
It’s not arrangement or agreement
It is what simply has to be for me
To keep my sanity and you your vanity
Part of me wants to wish you well and part of me
Tells you to go to hell
Some days are hard and some days aren’t
While I endure each one repairing my heart
Yet in the end when I lay down my head
And think of all the things I said today and in those times
I still pray for you, and hope for you, and that you are well
Not living through that hell
At least there is some comfort
Knowing what was ended forth
Keeping your children safe forevermore
Even if we’re apart forevermore
And yet
We talked about forever
You promised me forever
I gave up forever
To be alone forever
For you I was all eyes
I saw you as the prize
Worth winning, worth the lies
That came as the part of the way
You broke my heart
Since you there is another
Who healed my heart like no other and who
Is woman and mother, partner and friend
Who promised to stay until the end and then some
Who would build a home while paying
For your sins as they come, as they
Haunt me still, until
I come to the point of letting them go
Of letting you know that
I never saw it coming, and never got to close out
And I never knew what I would lose about
When you did choose your route
And I never knew how much it could hurt
Or that I could feel so empty
Without you
But not as much as when I was with you
So I let the love die
A cruel way just to try
To cope with things by and by
Now that you are where you chose to lie
And I stay here, in my prayers, in my thoughts
Hoping it wasn’t for naught
And that I am not caught up in the rage
Of turning from one page
To another
The heart you broke with words you spoke
Is not the same as it was
So long ago
In that year ago
I lay my head down to sleep and try to keep
Remembering that each day is a blessing
If only in passing
And that this hurt too will pass
Leaving something better to last
But until it does I battle to release it
To let go and relieve it
Forever as I want to forget your rhyme
And how you wasted love sublime
You deceived me in your cruelest crime
And then you left me angry all the time

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Poem Submitted: Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Poem Edited: Thursday, May 5, 2011

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