Napoleon (1) Poem by Sheena Blackhall

Napoleon
It is illegal in France to name a pig Napoleon
Napoleon had a campaign casket of 103 items.
He had a kit of scrapers to remove the tartar from his teeth
All of his teeth were beautiful

The Emperor picked his teeth with a toothpick of boxwood
He brushed them with a brush soaked in opiate,
He flossed them with thin coral
He rinsed his mouth with a mixture of brandy andwater.
He cleaned his tongue with a silver scraper
Of silver gilt or tortoiseshell

He slept three hours per day,
Loved licquorice,
Ate with his fingers,
His beautiful fingers,
With half moons rising from the nail bed

This man who was nicknamed Nabulio
Loved the Marseillaise
Loved reading
Loved long baths
Loved fresh fruit, plain food and almonds

Said: A leader is a dealer in hope
Said: A throne is only a bench covered in velvet
Said: The best cure for the body's a quiet mind
Said: If you want a thing done well, do it yourself
Said: In politics, stupidity is not a handicap

His handwriting was so poor
He couldn't read it himself

This Emperor was a bad dancer
This Emperor was the height of Mussolini and Churchill
This Emperor wrote a romantic novel
This Emperor trail-blazed the use of canned food & braille
This Emperor cheated at cards
This Emperor pushed snuff up his nose
This Emperorpinched the ears of his friends
So hard they hurt

Napoleon thought God was a dead end job
He emancipated Jews from ghettoes
Spoke out against torture as useless

Men say that his penis was removed during autopsy
Men say it's now in New Jersey
Like a shrivelled eel
Like a strip of buckskin shoelace
Men will say anything

The Duke of Wellington seduced two of Napoleon's mistresses
Kept an eleven foot statue of the Emperor
As the Roman god of War at the foot of his main staircase.

The Duke said: Our army is composed of the scum of the earth
Napoleon said: I love a brave soldier who's undergone the baptism of fire

Boney was a warrior
Away, a- yah!
A warrior and a terrier
Jean Francois!

Boney went to Waterloo
Away, a- yah!
There he got his overthrow.
Jean Francois!
Boney broke his heart and died
Away, a- yah!
Away in Saint Helena
Jean Francois!