Nightmare Poem by Trevor McLeod

My dreams are always the same
An unending darkness void of all things
Just a peaceful void
nothing to bother me
nothing at all

I prefer these dreams to my nightmares
which are few and far between
to my great relief
for it shows me things
I do not wish to see

My nightmares don't differ much
just in the acts of evil I commit
but they all start the same
with great happiness and joy

then the fall
Where I loose it all
whatever peace I had
is gone in a heartbeat

There are no monsters to wake me
now spawns of hell to pursue me
no nothing like that
but I wish I would have those to what I do have

The most recent
which relates to a certain incident
of which many know of
leads me to fear what I might become

For these dreams scare me the most
It starts off the same
being with a girl I love
things get a little warm

she pushes me playfully
telling me to wait for she isn't ready
then my dream grows dark
I see myself
I experience it all
even though I am not in control

I have my way with her
her tears do nothing
except to encourage me
her screams excite me

I always wake at the same spot
as I finish my sinful deed
I sit up covered in sweat
and to my shame
excitement

I move to my small bathroom
using cold water I try and wake myself
the large mirror is set so I can see my bed
when I wash the sweat off I glance in the mirror
and just for a second
I swear I can see
a pair of red rimmed eyes
a beautiful face streaked with tears
her eyes filled with pain

I turn hoping that I am just seeing things
and to my great relief I am
but when I glance back at my reflection
I see the girl once more

I have done nothing wrong
I have tried to do nothing but right
to help those around me
so why is it I suffer so greatly

everyday is a filled with pain
I have no escape
no joy here at all
not even sleep is an escape

Have I done something wrong
have I broken some cosmic rule
Why
I do not ask for much
I only ask for a person
a special person
for me to love and to hold
to care for and grow old with

But what I fear
I have found that this is my life
to make others happy
to see them with loved ones
to watch from a distance
as my friends and family
have what I so desperately want

I have decided
that this is my life
and I have resigned myself to my fate
to help others
as I struggle to survive
to strengthen others
as I grow weaker
to see love grow
as my heart slowly dies