No Air Poem by Miss Tee

You don't even know
how many nights I stayed awake,
staring at the ceiling,
replaying your words,
wishing I didn't doubt you
the way I do.

You don't even know
how many tears I've cried —
how you can give me
one small moment of joy
and leave me with
a thousand insecurities.

You don't even know
how much you mean to me.
Or maybe you do.
Maybe you just don't care.

How many times
can I say "It'll be different"?
How many times
can I excuse the silence,
the distance,
the disappointment?

You don't even know
that when I say I'm okay,
I'm not.
I'm bleeding quietly
where no one can see.

You said you had things to deal with.
I understood. I really did.
I tried not to be selfish.
I tried to be patient.

But I can't understand
how you couldn't pick up the phone.
How you couldn't say,
"I'm here. I'll call soon."
How I became
something you could pause.

You don't even know
that my friends tell me to move on.
That they say I deserve better.
And I defend you.
Every time.

Because I want to believe
you're not just another lesson.
Not another person
who needed me
but couldn't choose me.

Maybe I hold on
because I'm afraid
of being alone.
Afraid that if I let you go,
loneliness will sit beside me
and never leave.

I don't want to be bitter.
I don't want to harden my heart.
But this —
this half-love,
this almost-relationship —
is slowly breaking me.

You don't even know
how deeply I care.

And the worst part is…
I don't know
if you care at all