Obsession Poem by Jared Won

Obsession



This love I have, is it meant for you? No
This was never supposed to happen, yet I do it every time
I rip my heart out of my chest, case it in a concrete brick and drop it from the high that I get when I'm with you
Only to have it crack into hundreds of pieces, as if that wasn't what I wanted in the first place
In the end, the only on that ends up hurting is me, me and my stupid stupid hope
Always, my hopes get held high when I'm in love, delusional fantasies about how we would be, how we would care for each other
Oh, how in love we are in my dreams, always side by side, caring for each other and laughing together
How we'd spend our days enjoying each other's company, oh how we'd live a life of adventure and laughter
Yet, here I am, alone, in this love by myself, while you go on oblivious, chasing your dreams and writing your own story
Without me…
No, this, this isn't love, is it?
No no no this must be love, it's how they show it in all those movies and TV shows, that a couple does everything together, they fight, and they make up, and they…
This is love, right?
I mean, how else would I explain this swelling in my heart, these rushes of emotions when we talk, the happiness that flutters inside my stomach when I'm next to you
And how else would I get those horrible, disgusting, terrible feelings? That jealousy when you spend time with others, this selfishness that wants all of your time to myself, this insatiable greed that just wants more of you to satisfy my own desires—to fulfill my definition of love
No no no no no no
This isn't love at all, it's the most far from love, this is an obsession, a distasteful, painful, disgusting obsession this… thought of being in love
I'm not in love, no, I'm in love with thought of being in love
Oh, how I've seen this pattern happen before, I get entranced, engrossed, and obsessed with you
I give my all, give my all for a microscopic piece of love no matter how small, I devour it and crave for more, starved for affection, silently begging for scraps even if it's filled with rot I'd still swallow it all
This unrelenting, barbaric, vicious obsession eats away at my mind. I become addicted to the highs you give me despite the torturing withdrawals
You are my drug, my addiction, my salvation…
My salvation…
No, no no no no no, this can't be right, you can't be my salvation, no, you're an addiction, a drug, something I need to distance myself from
Just like then, I need to do this again now, detach myself from this obsession and let go
I can't let myself get too close, I can't let myself go loose, I must control these emotions, because I can't love you no matter how hard I want to no matter how much I wish to, this isn't love
So I'll tear my heart out again, crush it, destroy it, and swallow it so that I'll never be drowned by these feelings again
So what if I push you away? It's not like we were ever close in the first place. So what if I get hurt? It's not like you ever cared, all I was, was another person who would one day leave, and that day is today
I'm leaving, I'm leaving this place for good and I won't ever come back, don't tell me to stay because that's all you need to say for me to stay
Please don't tell me to stay because I don't—no—I can't handle staying, I can't control these emotions, I can't keep myself sane when I'm always insane when I'm with you
So please, let me go, let me be free from this prison I've built for me, so that I may be a burden on you no longer…

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