One Hallucination Under God Poem by arnie reisman

ONE HALLUCINATION UNDER GOD

Sometimes the healing process and the aging process
Will not mix well together
Sometimes all you get is process
Sometimes a pain killer kills more than the pain

Like the one they gave my mother

Enduring uterine cancer in the winter of her life
She said it was like living without doors
Something strange was always coming in or going out
Each time you felt dogged, diminished

Then there was the suspense, the uncertainty
Will she live in the teasing hands of physicians?
Will they take her to the light or show her the dark?
But what about tomorrow? What will happen then?

I came to the nursing home for my weekly visit
On the shuttle bus from the airport I called her
Through tears and exhaustion all she could tell me
Was how they had come and taken her baby away

"They have no right! You must help me get my baby! "
I could hear my eyelids flutter in disbelief, in shock
In her room I found her lying beside herself, straining
To become whole again, to become human again

Reasoning seemed like a delicacy, an acquired taste
I wasn't talking to my mother but to what she consumed
It was the latest cocktail served her, the pain parfait
Nothing had been taken from her but her dignity

"But what about tomorrow? What will happen then? "
They will come, apologize, bring your baby back
So said her baby now the adult standing at bedside
Standing in fear of the future of every living thing

At the nurse's station I held the doctor on duty
With my eyes glazed worn beyond all concern
"She'll calm soon, all anxiety gone. Bad reaction.
Won't happen again. Sorry. Just took Librium. Wait."

For the time being put out of my misery
In a fog of survival I walked back down the hall
From behind her door I heard the sound of laughter,
With trepidation and tightened thoughts I pushed my way in

"I was back in second grade, " she said
"Saying the pledge of allegiance
To the republic for which it stands
One hallucination under God

That's what I heard myself saying
Indivisible, isn't it? Can't believe it?
Did you hear what I just said I said?
Are the clouds lifting? Pull back the curtains."

Another laugh rose in the room and fell quietly away
Sun streaks dappled her ropelike arms, unknotting face
She closed her eyes, drifting in and out of second grade
I waited for the processes to pass with the nightmare

But what about tomorrow? What will happen then?

- Arnie Reisman