Sacred Poem by Stephanie Banuelos

Let me immerse myself back into this perspective I had held on to for a moment
this thing of the past that knew me all too well
where I had to wear a mask, and as people started asking me it went a little like, "alright Stephanie do tell."

*****

Not only did you cause me pain, but you made me go insane
running after justifications and explanations as to why you went away
You made me think you really cared, but you left like you had this all prepared

I had to hide it all inside
I hated to think all this time it was a lie
and once I found that out
I wanted to see you hurt
I wanted to make you cry
Months after went on… I thought I'd be happy when you finally hit the ground
& to my distress, I found out you were holding everything down

I held on to the bitterness
I held on to the anger
What for?
You were done with THIS before and after

And you had some nerve because you really didn't care…
You made me become angry with someone who was actually THERE.

I held resentment against myself
but most of all I blamed God himself

I uttered words like those that belonged to Job,
"For the arrows of the Almighty are in me;
my spirit drinks their poison;
the terrors of God are arrayed against me."

I screamed at God
I got so completely infuriated and irritated with God.
"How dare You take him away from me! I was finally happy.
I do everything right! Look around God… I'm a good person!
I don't deserve this! "

"Why are not times of judgment kept by the Almighty, and why do those who know him never see his days? "

As my mind continued to believe, Job continued to say,
"Therefore I will not restrain my mouth;
I will speak in the anguish of my spirit;
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul."

I was persistent for an answer
from a boy who now really does not matter
You thought you were too slick and quick
And you thought I was a little slow
Yeah don't worry your homies let me know
Remember that one detail you left out?
That one person you didn't tell me about?

What makes it all the worst
what dug deeper in the hurt
is that you kept me from the truth.

And all I can do is pray for the both of us, and even more for you
because we both knew that what we had was better than your past
and it will be better than your last

While I was getting over you, and I stopped missing you
I continued to seek an apology
and could just not accept that you had caused me so much sadness
I did not want to believe
And without me knowing it, I was only hurting myself and no one else.

You had moved on but I kept dwelling over the past
remembering the good times that went by too fast

Though I also had friends, who told me what they thought
with all the best intentions
it really came down between me and just God

Because I started to question His power
I started to question His love

With God's question to Job
"Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? " who isn't in the heavens above

I open my eyes and start to understand all the things He can do and all that He has done for me

He raises, "shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
He who argues with God, let him answer it."

All I can do is stay quiet, because in fact I can't
I will never be able to
I'm just a dust particle compared to masses, how dare I condemn
how dare I begin to blame Him for the trouble that I myself have sought
BECAUSE in actuality I put this person before my God and I let this person blind me from where my heart really belonged.
I myself added fire to this battle and I myself have added water to this plant that I call revenge

As Elihu said, "far be it from God that he should do wickedness, and from the Almighty that he should do wrong.
For according to the work of man he will repay him, and according to his ways he will make it befall him."

Now to finish what I have to say here
I'll speak to you… silhouette of my history
I'm not saying I'm a better person than you are, that I'm not
What I will say though is that I cared enough about you to help you, guide you… love you
and I suppose you didn't want that at the time
however what I can do now is take that love and give it to God
so that he can find someone who will appreciate me

It has been an uphill battle
a struggle of first degree within myself
But in the end God restored my fortune
so that my heart is filled with Him…
He saved me from my troubles and saved me from my sins
he's has kept me sane not in the least bit vain
my spirit is now sound and as I look around at the grace bestowed upon me
I can't help but be happy because I know heaven placed it…
(So I looked up at God and He asks me,) What do you call our relationship now? …
(And I say…) Sacred.