September Blues Poem by Vinaya Joseph

I lay down watching from my hospital bed,
Bed Number B2215
Shadows on my room’s pallid wall,
Of trees swinging in the September breeze,
Dancing to the tunes of the unseen wind,
As the curtains were drawn apart,
I could see and feel the warmth,
Of the sun on my face and body,
It rays penetrating through my window…

With nowhere else to look, but up
I stared at the rotating blades of the fan,
And its sound was the only music I had
In circles it kept moving, just like humans

I felt strange in the hospital,
It was an uneasy moment,
With a weird equipment,
Attached to my body,
Saline dripping from the hanging bottle,
Passing through a three-tube cannula on the left arm,
Intravenously into my kidneys,
To the catheter,
Attached to my urethra,
I kept watching the bag,
Water flow down like a stream,
From end to the other,
It was suppose to wash away the laser-crushed,
Pieces of stone in my ureter…

When my mother use to chide me for not drinking water,
I use to skip her remarks by making fun,
But today after undergoing the pain,
I really wished if I had heeded to her advice,

God, I never wished to lie like this…
Even a simple walk
At that moment,
Was like a far-fetched dream,
How I wished to run, jump
And do daily chores…

At this oddly hour,
All I had with me,
Were my thoughts,
Some joyful, some painful, some depressing…
A strange amalgam…
Wish if mother was here,
Wish if dad was around,
Wish if I could hear some old songs,
That could lift my soul…

Days at the hospital were difficult,
Steam-cooked Idli’s,
With coconut chutney and sambhar,
In the morning…
A tea that I could not enjoy,
Because of the artificial sugar,
Medicines before and after food,
Oats at night were a delight,
Gosh, I felt as if I were
An animal on trial,
Someone checking my BP,
Someone my diabetic count,
I lost track of the amount of drugs,
They pumped inside my body
Nights were even worse,
For five days,
I could not sleep,
Tossed and turned in my bed,
Made frantic calls to my near and dear,
Whom I had not bothered to call for years,
It was like my last night,
Messaged through the dark,
To my friends,
Thanks to them,
I survived the ordeal


When I heard the wails,
Of patients in the ward,
I felt vulnerable,
That I could do nothing,
Nothing to reduce their pain…

There was something about the whole place
A kind of serenity,
Was it the all-white ambiance?
I don’t know…
Everything was white,
I thought to myself…
The white squares on the ceiling,
The white fairy-tale curtains,
The white bed sheet…
Something angelic yet something deathlike,
Just felt if the hospital management,
Could add some bright colours,
May be some shades of yellow
And add some music,
Things would have been lot better…

Mornings were busy,
With doctors attending the patients,
Night hours were difficult,
A kind of deathly silence…

Like the wind outside my window,
My thoughts flew haywire,
Sometimes about distant death,
I thought I had just traded,
With the merchant of death,
For some more years,
Sometimes about instant life,
Sometimes of the diseases that I suffered,
Wondering the meaning of my existence,
Was fighting for life worth all this pain?

Was it the effect of the sedative?
That the doctor gave me,
I had no clue,
For a moment,
Sleep caught me,
I was transferred to a different world,
I saw death slowly embracing me,
Life was leaving me slowly,
Death was breathing in,
Life was breathing out,
I could see my own coffin,
I saw the crowd singing,
And finally,
I let myself go…