marie elizabeth vampirus

New Jeresy
marie elizabeth vampirus
New Jeresy
Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Splendid Nightmare

Rating: 3.1
i felt cold as a breeze escaped through my windows
i feel the night envelope my obsession
he thinks that i am afraid
for i cannot see his sultry stare
I hear a laugh, it awoke my soul
my breath cease as the wind flutters my nerves
he wants me to go
his voice enchant and mistify my ears
my thoughts leaves me frozen and mistified as his figure materialize
In this empty heart of mine
It's you I find
Take my hand
i'll help you understand
I hear a laugh, it awoke my soul
he wants me to leave
his voice bring tremors to my spine
in this hollow heart of mine
it's you i find
Take my hand
I'll make you undrstand
marie elizabeth vampirus
Richard Quinby 09 September 2005
Marie, I enjoyed this... you show promise and should keep writing.I like the line, 'i feel the night envelope my obsession' Now for the constructive criticism: -) 1) Try writing in Word or some other word processor and use spell check. 2) Let your work sit overnight or so and reread it; I find reading aloud helps here. 3) Watch out for mixed tenses and subject/verb agreement Hope this helps
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