The North West Frontier Apologies To Rudyard - Poem by archie langford
You never talk or think of beer on India`s north frontier
Where the heats enough to drive you mad with thirst,
Where you have to maim and slaughter on evil stinking water.
That gives you belly ache and even worst.
So don`t bemoan your lot stationed home in Aldershot,
And when you thinking that life`s to hard to take,
Remember your never far from a woman or a bar
It`s India`s north frontier that`s real heart break
We were at this north outpost living on nowt but beans and toast
And we`d been there, just the two of us for a year,
When one morning Andy Brown, he looks me up and down
And said, “You`er looking beautiful my dear”.
I thought this cannot be, he`s not saying that to me,
He must be gazing in a looking glass,
But my conviction starts to wilt when fingering me kilt,
I grabbed me rifle to defend me Khyber pass.
He was known as randy Andy the Irish Scot from Tonypandy
And with Andy a woman was a must,
And he hadn`t seen a bit of belly since that week end in New Delhi,
He was scared inactivity might cause rust.
We weren`t at all grieved when next day we were relieved,
And within a week we were back in camp,
Where we met Helen Porter the colonel`s lovely daughter,
She was reputed to be something of a tramp.
We were sipping drops of gin when this girl comes waltzing in,
And starts making up to Andy like a slut,
And before very long they`re both dooing very wrong,
Behind the sergeant major`s wooden hut.
While committing this disgrace a lamp shines in Andy`s face.
He thought, “Cor blime now I`m in a scrape”.
And the woman, realising she`s a goner if she didn`t defend her honour
Started screaming bloody murder, pillage, rape.
They hauled him to the fort for trial by military court.
They said, “We find you guilty private Brown,
It`s no good for you to try to make excuses or deny,
You were caught red handed with your trousers down”.
Said the colonel, “I can tell you`re as guilty man as hell,
And if I had my way I`d have you shot,
But you know what the rule is, you`ll be hung up by the goolies,
And you`ll hang there till your socks do rot”.
They carried him away to where a dooli lay,
And they hung him high in the midday sun.
It was then I had the thought if you`re going to get caught,
It`s a hell of a price for just five minutes fun.
But what of Helen Porter the colonel`s lovely daughter,
She did something no decent woman should,
She went off to live in sin with our water bhisti Gunga Din
And she wrote me that we never had it so good.
We were sent to Nanjhepur to bring her back for shure,
When we found them they gave us an embarrassed grin.
For they were both undressed and that fellow was he well blessed,
I said you`re a bigger man than I am Gunga Din.
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Mary Elizabeth Frye
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