Joel Mbowa

Rookie - 91 Points (15th February / Kampala - Uganda)

The Sun - Poem by Joel Mbowa

Grandly, lordly hung in space.
Created on the fourth day.
Designed supernaturally.
Sibling to the Moon and Stars.

Brightly you shine miles away.
To enhance all living things.
Giver to the Earth of light.
God’s own source of energy.

Generations you have stood.
The great governor of each day.
Marking seasons, years and days.
The ecosystem’s master.


Comments about The Sun by Joel Mbowa

  • John Knight (2/5/2010 3:20:00 PM)


    Hi Joel - You are on very Holy Ground when you write a poem about Brother Sun. The content of your poem is excellent and you have divded it logically into three - four line verses. Because it has no rhyme (free verse) it would flow better and recite better (hallmark of a 'good' poem) if the lines had a similar number of syllables or a consistent patteren of syllable length (metre) . for instance if we rewrite the first verse with all lines having SEVEN SYLLABLES and taking account of STRESS it becomes:

    Grandly, lordly hung in space
    Created on the fourth day
    Designed supernaturally
    Sibling to the Moon and Stars.

    This flows better when you recite it.

    Verse Two and Verse Three - again each line seven syllables

    Brightly you shine miles away
    To enhance all living things
    Giver to the Earth of light
    God's own source of energy.

    Generations you have stood
    The great governor of each day
    Marking seasons, years and days
    The ecosystem's master! ! !

    I hope this helps. The process is FIRST - CONTENT - Write a rough draft in lines and verses. SECOND - STRUCTURE - Adjust the number of syllables in each line to make it scan. The pattern should be the same in each verse i.e.6668 or 10 8 10 8 10 8 etc. In good poetry which scans and flows and recites well (I am a performance poet) consistent syllable pattern is very important. Yours in poetry - JOHN.
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  • Nathaniel Flying Owl (2/5/2010 2:55:00 PM)


    nice work, my friend. you craft your words well, epsecially in reference to nature. Keep it up. (Report) Reply

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Poem Submitted: Monday, January 25, 2010

Poem Edited: Wednesday, February 10, 2010


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