This Is Raw, But About Surviving The Loss Of A Spouse To Suicide, Which Describing Is Difficult To Find Words For. I Think I Found Mine, Somewhat. Poem by Donna Wampler

I wrote this at end of 2009, twerking it periodically and finally publishing it.

NOT A DAY GOES BY....
Not a day goes by, that he isn't on her mind, like many others, wants to know the answer to the question 'why? '

She hopes he sees how much he is missed, the tears that are still shed, and those days that she is hangin' on by a single thread.

She is now moving on and some time has passed. But, inside she is still hurting, 'how long must this last?

Still today she is judged, ignored by many he knew, which has made this whole nightmare even more difficult to go through.

'Should have, could have, would have' comments have been made, turning their back on her as if blame would bring him back or ease their pain.

Seems it comforts some to have someone to blame, to hide their own feelings of 'why didn't he call me, or where was I that day? '

In his last moments, himself he was not, our love for him he had unfortunately forgot.

She knows those who judge, they too are hurting, and hopes in time they will heal, Still, she tries to be patient, omg, this all feels so surreal.

Yes, his choice and not God's to leave us, may have permanently ended his pain, she can't let go yet, because in her heart it still rains.

Those who mean well, say that 'she must move past this and let go.' When she finally makes the effort, they say she's being careless and cold.

Loosing so much, then in her efforts to cope, she tried to 'make a difference, ' to try to find hope.

Maybe her way of grieving was normal, maybe it was wrong, A written protocol of how to grieve to such a loss, would have helped her along.

Like all who have lost in this horrible way, a few years later, still share the same feelings of hurt, guilt and shame.

We all grieve differently, in many stages they say, time will heal all wounds, she will be patient and pray.

Her prayers are for acceptance of others and for their healing and peace, that one day they all too will find comfort and their pain to ease.

Although she is a Christian, believes and has faith in a God that is Just, she longs for the day where He and others say, 'you have suffered enough.'

It's true to this day, her soul aches even though she has moved on, She cannot accept his choice to be gone.

Even though God has blessed her and she is strives to be happy, Not a day goes by where she doesn't think of him sadly.

God constantly reminds her, when she feels bad, of the man that she had married, a loving husband, father and Oh, what a cad!

She will begin this New Year, with God's peace and more joy in her heart, and try not to let this ongoing grief tear her apart.

The one thing she holds onto and will always treasure, is to see the spirit of her husband shine through their beautiful daughter Heather.

Not a day goes by...that he isn't thought of or missed. To be able to tell him so again, well, that would be a gift.