Why Is This Job Given To Me Poem by Keonna Andrews

I was told by a person, that i need to let whatever is ailing me go? My question is how?

From the time that I can remember I have been weighed with the heaviness of trials and tribulations of others. I was dropped off as a stranger and torn away from the only family I knew, my sister and brother. The woman that had me was the definition of abuse, and then her son molesting me made the abuse no better. In school I was made fun of, and called every name except my own, and going to school in second and third hand things made it no better. And then after being raped and having my first miscarriage no better. Once I got the taste of what I can do physically to someone else made me into someone that I never thought I would be. I never wanted to be a fighter but that was the only offer of release for my problems. Now as I became older and the consequences for me fighting gave me 3 years to think in prison, I have taken the job position as martyr.

I have realized that when other people have problems, they come to me for help and advice. And I put what I am feeling off to the side to deal with them. And help them. And in the minimizing of my own feelings, when i do get to my own problems. It is so much that I cant even help myself out. And then when I look for someone to help me, no one is around, no one is there to answer the phone and no one can give me an answer. So I am stuck.

Talk to God Keonna they say, and when I do, I ask does He even hear me? I mean how many tears, how many blocks, how many struggles, how many times do I ask for a hand and i continue to fall. So many times I want to just give up and leave this world, but I can't, not because I don't want to anymore. But because I have two innocent children that need me. SO what do I do?

How do I let go? How do I say no, when I was taught to do unto others as you would want them to do unto you? Will this ever end? Will it ever stop? No more generic answers, no more repetitious commentary to console for the moment. I am emotionally dead, and mentally deceased, can anyone help me so that I can live again?