Word To My Ex: Poem by Mishack O Madubandlela

One, I love you
two, I love you,
three, I love you
four, I'm sorry but that's all that comes to mind when I think of you
five, I try to even remember what's next on my to do list but I can't
six, I tried making you a priority
six, I tried making you a priority
six, I'm sorry, I lose focus when I get emotional
I was normal by my own definition
the honeymoon phase begins and it ends
that's all there is to it. It's just a phase
Like puberty, it comes with a certain high that you wish could last forever
But there's no eternal gift for us mortals
I tried changing myself for other entities
and yet, all that has left me nothing but emptiness
I tried to fill this dark void with words,
words from you were a sharp arrow piercing through the heart with a love message
A message I still haven't been able to comprehend
That made me to just want all things to end
Backtrack to the times when I never felt pain
when I had everything to gain
and I had nothing to lose
Back when I was safe, safe from all this treachery
How I miss myself
You see… I had built the great wall of China around me
Nothing could touch or even get to me
But, like a fool, I listened to the love you gave
All the walls I built, crumbling down like the rain, brick by brick
And now, I'm left here with no sense of direction
I can't tell if I'm hurt, depressed, angry or maybe disappointed… At myself
I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you, the hurtful moments I showered on you,
the wet nights I sang to you on every late night call
Just know that it was all because I cared so much that I thought it was worth changing myself for
But, I guess it was never meant to be the way you expected
I'm sorry I couldn't be your ideal lover
I don't want to say "please forgive me" because you probably won't
I'm ok with that. I don't expect you to
Just know that this is me
Let me go back to my dark lair
I don't expect anyone to knock on my door
asking for love, they'd be left drowning in their tears on the floor
I know this because, by default, I've done it before