William Chaplar

If the English language was indeed one without flaws,
inlaws—once the divorce was final—would become outlaws.
There'd be a whole new way for us to spell words such as sleigh.
And none would be confused when they looked at the word croquet.
...

America, America, sweet land of liberty.
But how could you so easily condone captivity?
Abolition was the call for half the citizenry.
The other half seemed well content with gross iniquity.
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Your portly sister asks you if her dress makes her look fat.
I'm sorry, but there's just one way for you to answer that.
"Yes! " must be your abrupt reply, though it might cause dismay.
'Cause if you don't say what you mean, you can't mean what you say.
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Because adolescence is inopportune,
too many are trying to grow up too soon.
Instead of believing that your life's a flop,
try remembering where you were when the laughter stopped.
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Why does no one cite Leviticus?
Didn't it have things to say?
People spend the live-long day
repeating what John had to say.
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A marathoner starts a race but quits after a mile,
and people ask why he so poorly fared.
It doesn't take a genius or that awfully long a while
for all to see that he was not prepared.
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The world that we live in will not be so wild
in the lifetime of my sister's child.
With the planet, our species will be reconciled
in the lifetime of my sister's child.
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From whole-grain bread and grapefruit juice to broccoli and kale,
foods such as these are guaranteed to make your diet fail.
'Cause healthy food, for most of us, is real hard to abide.
And yet, to add years to your life, you start from the inside.
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Now that you're turning twenty-one, I'm sure you understand
that, chronologically, the world now views you as a man.
Since most maintain their own concept of what a man should be,
perhaps it's time you understood what that word means to me.
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My friend's name is Nora; she's all alone.
She lives at the group home, 'cause her family's gone.
And everyone there tries to see her side,
But Nora she has lost her will to fly.
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This past year on Saint Patrick's Day, I made a huge mistake.
I made a stupid comment, and it caused a friend heartache.
At a table filled with people, I commented with a wink,
"Saint Patrick's Day's a great excuse for friends to have a drink."
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Kings in the Old Testament numbered a lot,
and few can remember them all.
But even those of us who ditched Sunday school
know Solomon, David, and Saul.
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I hate to think what you've been told
since back when you were four years old.
But just in case you give a damn,
I'm not the man you think I am.
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She who keeps instruction will soon learn a better way,
as will he who shuns correction oftentimes be led astray.
Discipline is not defined as never having fun.
Just don't do it in lieu of things you know need to be done.
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There aren't many tales that have ever outdone
The often-told story of the Prodigal Son.
It's a tale of forgiveness and parental love;
A message that, these days, we could all use more of.
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Olympiads are often filled with tales that motivate.
And listed here are some that many find to be first rate.
And there may even be a few that bring about a tear or two.
So let's give credit where it's due by honoring the games.
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Just a place for old folks" is what some young people think,
while others believe nowhere can you find a drop to drink!
So let me set the record straight so everybody knows
that Arizona is a place you really want to go.
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One year I had a math teacher who made me want to cry!
I never understood those things she did with 'x' and 'y'!
She told us if we stayed in school, we'd broaden all our minds.
And then she said it's her job to see no child's left behind.
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This is for all the plus-sized folk who battle with the scale;
who time and time again have been on diets that have failed.
You confront people who feel obligated to advise
on all the negative aspects connected to your size.
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Your marriage ends ‘cause you're a jerk, and your wife's had enough.
For all these years, she's simply laughed and put up with your stuff.
Instead of trying to change your ways, in self-pity you immerse.
Why should you light a candle when the darkness you can curse?
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