Mandolyn ...


leaving the dream ajar


my hands came clean
when you forced them into yours
'you'll be happier with me'
you nagged,
rubbing the button on my shirt-
i could feel the sea
breaking its promise with the sun
as your ship leaned
into its palm

having walked miles around you,
around us
i screamed at the stone, hot on the sand
as i fumbled with the idea of going with you
'let the tide nibble your foot'
you'd said
'let it remind the blister
which ocean it came from'

so i felt the froth,
the pull of the current
and i begged the waves to bully you
to push you towards the horizon
so i'd lose sight
of your distilled temper-
the quiet anger you'd bury
when i let go

Submitted: Monday, December 22, 2014

Topic of this poem: dream


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  • Freshman - 1,399 Points Bull Hawking (12/23/2014 4:48:00 PM)

    I like that the dream is ajar....rather than a plain bottle with some silly note inside....
    ....also I think letting go could have more than one meaning.....also quiet anger could be
    Passion disguised...or not (Report) Reply

    Gold Star - 12,261 Points Mandolyn ... (12/25/2014 9:55:00 PM)

    i will do my best to describe this poem in one sentence. it is a push/pull/push/pull
    as in.... i shouldn't, you have to go. wait, i love you- come back. no, we shouldn't... i must let you go.

    if this is the pattern what would the ultimate ending look like? a stupid monster truck going down the street at 4 am woke me up that morning, other wise the ending could have been altered. and the dialog could have very well been something like

    ugh, i'm so hungry
    me too
    let's go to the train station and buy tickets to Flagstaff, they have a great italian place there
    or we could sail to Catalina Island and get churros
    dude....
    dude!

  • Rookie - 855 Points The Pundit (12/23/2014 1:48:00 PM)

    All great poetry comes from-and lives in- dreams/memories. See Coleridge, Poe, Whitman, Cummings, Bly, etc. Stay in that dream. When you violate the dream with a 'clever comment' i.e. the nibbling lines, it takes away from the experience. (I doubt seriously if he said that to you in the dream. Dreams are more visual than verbal. It sounds like lines added in by you) . Not that I don't love the poem, but just some things I was thinking. I gave it a 10. (Report) Reply

    Gold Star - 12,261 Points Mandolyn ... (12/25/2014 9:41:00 PM)

    those lines are liars, yes. they were a dream within the dream i dreamed and i came up with them after the dream stuck a fork in my feelings and flattened my sleep. [ i totally just dreamt that. you don't have to give me a 10, bucko! make me cry! tell me i'm mediocre and you expect more from me. make me go to my room without xanax... something....

  • Rookie - 855 Points The Pundit (12/23/2014 9:35:00 AM)

    Well, I don't know how 'lighthearted' it is, but it's a very good poem. A little more serious, which is a good thing. The 'button' line is terrific. I'd leave out the 'nibble' lines, as they're not in the spirit of the rest of the poem. They belong in a humorous poem. I'd keep the atmosphere as dark as possible here with no joking around. I mean, this is about two people breaking up. Make the reader feel her anxiety, about the pending breakup. When you joke around, you let them off the hook. (Report) Reply

    Gold Star - 12,261 Points Mandolyn ... (12/23/2014 10:28:00 AM)

    this was based on a dream i had. dreams are wacky even when heavy- and i love how we have no control over them. there are times i scream wake up! because i don't like what's going on, but when i wake up i realize i want to go back. how jacked up is that? my family is probably going to have an intervention someday if they ever read my poetry. =)

  • Gold Star - 12,662 Points Valsa George (12/23/2014 7:25:00 AM)

    A very lighthearted poem, I liked his comment.......

    'let the tide nibble your foot'
    'let it remind the blister
    which ocean it came from' (Report) Reply

    Gold Star - 12,261 Points Mandolyn ... (12/23/2014 10:28:00 AM)

    thanks, valsa. =)

  • Bronze Star - 7,018 Points * Sunprincess * (12/22/2014 11:04:00 PM)

    ............very nice....this write has everything a poem needs sun, sand and sea...loved reading this one... (Report) Reply

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