The Smoke-Off Part 2 - Pearly Sweetcake Vs. The Chunky Monkey Poem by Alonso Menendez

You’ve heard Pearly Sweetcake from sunny San Rafael
How she smoked the Calistoga Kid is a story told by Shel
And though this was long ago and many years have since past
Still the rollers are afraid and none will say they’re fast
But somewhere out there on the road the Chunky Monkey goes
Been rolling dope all his life and in his style it shows
He can roll one in each hand, a flick of the wrist and both are done
Never packed too tight or too loose, guaranteed not to run
By word of mouth was quickly spread this Chunky Monkey’s speed
And how he was a natural when it came to rolling weed
Eventually the news reached Pearl who became as upset as she could be
And screamed “There’s no way that nutty ape could be as fast as me”
“If he wants to prove himself then it’s a smoking war”
“When I’m through there’ll be nothing left of him like the kid before”
Chunky Monkey just sits calmly without a word to say
He just grins a happy smile as he rolls himself another “j”
Then to decide where this smoke-off it should be
Somewhere a head can smoke in peace and attitudes are free
So Amsterdam was chosen as the perfect place to go
After harvest in late November when the buds would be just so
They rented out the Melkweg, a club which really was too small
But it didn’t matter because the crowd was so large, no place could fit them all
People came in by aeroplane till the airport was shut down
For there was no more room left in the whole entire town
The crowd spilled out into the streets everyone was getting high
They all came so they could witness the Chunky Monkey’s try
While there inside the club sat the priviledged few
Growers from around the world who brought the herb as entrance due
This herb for competition was the finest ever seen
Hairs both red and white on a bud light and sticky green
The sweet aroma filled the air from that high powered sensemilla chronic
Grown organically outdoors or indoor system hydroponic
Pearl walked in that room nice and slow with a champion’s confidence
Her mouth anticipating that very first taste of sense
Chunky Monkey walked right in, himself smooth and mellow cold
For he had prepared for the task by smoking a stick of gold
They sat down at the table, each held the other fixed in stare
So deep in concentration of all else they where unaware
Until it finally all began when the judge shot that starter’s gun
And the crowd went wild as that first joint was rolled, for the smoke-off had begun
Chunky Monkey rolled his jungle joint that would put elephants to sleep
Pearl smoked it down to a roach with one inhalation deep
So to put the pressure on Chunky Monkey at the same time he rolled two
Pearl sneered as she finished them “Is that the best that you can do? ”
Then Chunky Monkey rolled one behind his back using just his tail
This was his secret weapon which he was sure would not fail
For there in the weed he mixed in chips of blonde afghani hash
Then dipped the joint in opium from his own private stash
As Pearl smoked that joint upon her eyes there came a haze
The crowd sensing this might be it, went into a craze
Chunky Monkey watched intently as Pearl began to yawn
But then she shook her head and shook it off and said “Keep them coming on”
Chunky Monkey’s hands moved so fast his fingers were a blur
As he threw the joints out to Pearl with the occasional tuft of fur
Pearl kept her stride as he rolled with each mighty inhale
Reaching for the next joint as that last one would go stale
Now about this time Chunky Monkey started to get frustrated
You see this competition had run much longer than anticipated
His anger grew as Pearl smoked each joint never giving him a turn
For while he knew this was a smoke-off, he also liked to burn
Finally he decided it was time to smoke, no matter what the cost
He didn’t care about this stupid smoke-off, whether he won or lost
But when he reached out to take his hit, Pearl was already done
Which really made him upset because it was the very last one
There was no more bud to roll and he never got to toke
As Pearl reached out for the next joint and exhaled the last bit of smoke
Chunky Monkey snarled and all saw there was no more
And the crowd lay still in anticipation for what they thought would be in store
But Chunky Monkey reached for Pearl much to everyones surprise
And they watched in disbelief at what the witnessed before before there eyes
Like a bud he ripped Pearl up, her body he did shred
And her teeth popped out like seeds as he broke up her head
Then he rolled her in a super joint and took a healthy toke
After which he passed it to the crowd so everyone could smoke
Then we all got high on Pearl as we smoked her up like hay
And rollers from around the world breathed a sigh of relief that day
Now somewhere out there on the road the Chunky Monkey goes
Been rolling dope all his lifeand in his style it shows
That he can roll faster than all can smoke has become his fame
And you’ll not find one smoker who dares dispute that claim
While back in New York City on that street that has no name
Next to the hands of the Calistoga Kid, lies what’s left of Pearl in the Viper Hall of Fame
Some broken teeth
a gold scroll underneath
with a warning that does say
“You best beware
if you don’t share
because the Monkey doesn’t play”

Dedicated to Shel Silverstein
Inspired by his piece “The Smoke-Off”